


Variable Consequences

by viva_astraea



Category: RoomieOfficial - Fandom
Genre: 17+, Adult Themes, Alcohol, Amusement Park, Arcade, Best Friends, Crush on best friend, Drinking, F/M, M/F, Mixed Signals, Mixed feelings, Slow Burn, Unwanted Crush, angst sometimes i guess, bad idea, bffs hanging out, friendly rivalries, great chemistry, intoxicated, joel goes to LA, past abusive relationship, pretend joel can drink, story based, touch starved, two lonely friendos, what could go wrong?
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-02
Updated: 2021-02-13
Packaged: 2021-03-11 03:02:55
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 25,606
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28498005
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/viva_astraea/pseuds/viva_astraea
Summary: A Joel Berghult x Reader, set in LA. OP is unnamed because I hate reader inserts.A disclaimer before you start reading: First of all, there are adult themes in this fanfic. Turn back now if that may bother you. Secondly, this fanfic is purely creative expression, or an outlet, if you will. I do not condone the idolizing or sexualization of real-life people, and if you do, please don't read this fanfic. This is fiction and always will be.
Relationships: Joel Berghult/Reader
Comments: 39
Kudos: 31





	1. Workaholic and Lonely Don’t Mix

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll be posting every week until it's done. It's already written out in my drafts. I hope you enjoy this fanfic for what it is.

I sit with my fingers laced, elbows on the table, watching as the progress bar moved pixel by pixel towards its destination. This painting took way too much time and energy, and now I’m paying in rendering time.

I’m a freelance artist in Los Angeles. It’s extremely competitive here, but I wouldn’t have it any other way. It forces me to adapt and perfect my craft, and it’s been paying off lately. I’ll do anything from portrait commissions to graphic design, and I’ve found that the more horizons I cover, the more clients I get.

I hear a “ _ping!_ ” noise from my computer, and I immediately start moving the file to the dropbox. I feel a headache begin to form, as this was the last project for the day, and by far the most difficult. At least I’m getting paid lots of money for it.

I finish transferring the file and sit back in my chair. Deep breath in, and out.

It’s only Monday, but I finished all my daily work early and I have nothing to do. I look around at my apartment, which is a complete disaster. I guess I could clean it… but for whom? Nobody.

A heavy pang of loneliness hits my stomach as I sink onto my couch, which is currently littered with bills and papers I haven’t filed yet. I haven’t made a single friend in Los Angeles since I moved from Brighton nine months ago. Luckily, I have my fair share of online friends, but I lack human contact. I’m getting desperate, but I rarely find the time to look for groups to try to participate in. Of course, now I have free time, but no motivation.

I check my phone for the first time today, and a few notifications from friends asking me to play games with them pop up initially. I glance through them, mostly ignoring them, until I find _the_ notification.

It's from my best friend, Joel. He’s usually pretty busy during the week, but somehow made some time to shoot me a text. I feel a bit flattered, even though I know it’s dumb. I mean, he’s my best friend. What a surprise, he texted me.

**Joel 9:31AM**

  * hey, just letting you know that i’m visiting LA this week, and i was wondering if you wanted to meet up at all :)



My heart starts racing. For the last nine months, he has been the only person I’ve consistently interacted with. Sometimes, he feels like my only friend, since a lot of my other online friends seem to come and go without any warning. He’s the only one who ever seems to care about me, most times.

Of course, it wasn’t always like that. Funny story actually, the first time we met, I thought he didn’t care about me at all. We met at a random gathering in Brighton, and while my friend that I went with was being actively included in the conversation, I was too quiet when I tried to talk to Joel. So he didn’t know I was trying to talk to him, which made for an awkward second encounter. We ended up talking a lot the second time and getting pretty close. I specifically remember regretting not getting in contact with him immediately after, but he got my Discord username a few weeks later and texted me. Unfortunately, I had already moved away by then, but we still managed to become great friends.

I haven’t hung out with him in person since that second party. We’ve done video calls, sure, but video calls are only like 60% the experience of a real hangout. The best times we have are always while playing video games, though. That’s where we really bond. Playing Mario Kart, Rocket League, and the occasional VR game, all of it was where I decided that I really want to spend time with Joel. And obviously, he feels the same way, or he wouldn’t be playing with me.

Over time and many weekends spent over voice call, I find myself seeking for his attention more and more. And since I’m lonely and out of shape socially, these feelings are magnified by one hundred. I don’t want these feelings. I just want a friend, someone I can talk to and rely on to be there for me, when possible. Not a long-distance relationship. That would just make my lack of friends more painful.

 _I love the friendship I have with him,_ I think to myself, staring off into space. _If I try to escalate anything between us, I’ll ruin everything._

I begin focusing back onto the message opened in front of me. Of course I want to see him. He’ll probably be the only human contact I have for another few months, which is sad, but probably true.

**Me 3:36PM**

  * yeah, i can totally make anything work haha
  * excited to see you. want to do anything in particular?



To my surprise, excitement, and dismay, he responds nearly immediately. It’s nearly midnight where he lives, and he isn’t usually a night owl during the work week, especially on a Monday. Another message pops up.

**Joel 3:37PM**

  * i wanna go to that amusement park you were talking about the other day :D
  * maybe the arcade if we have time



A smile spreads across my face. Joel and I share many interests, and the thrill of amusement parks was one we’d always talked about, but never had the chance to act on. Being offered an opportunity you’ve been fantasizing about for months is a rare privilege.

**Me 3:38PM**

  * first of all, why the fuck are you awake??? idiot???
  * secondly, i don’t wanna set a super solid plan, but we FOR SURE need to go to the amusement park :)



**Joel 3:38PM**

  * none of your fuckin business lmaooo
  * just a stressful day is all
  * but yeah i agree. let’s just go and see what happens lol



**Me 3:38PM**

  * when will you be flying in?



**Joel 3:39PM**

  * wednesday evening, but i’ll be available to hang out the whole weekend :)



The _whole_ weekend? I mean, I know he has other friends in LA, and I don’t want to take all of his time...

**Me 3:39PM**

  * who are you planning to visit? i can work around them :)



It hurt a little bit to send that text, because I really want to see Joel. Like, an unreasonable amount. But I don’t want to seem selfish.

**Joel 3:40PM**

  * only a few people. a lot of people that i would normally hang out with are really busy rn
  * idk, i like to keep it flexible
  * it’s been far too long since we’ve had an irl chance to talk haha



I’m getting a lot of confusing signals from his texts. Does he want to hang out with me as much as I hoped, or is he trying to let me down easy?

I muster up the courage to stick to my guns. I type up a text and send it, scared of the results it will bring.

**Me 3:41PM**

  * let’s plan on friday afternoon? meet at the entrance at 2?



**Joel 3:41PM**

  * sounds good to me :) we can always change plans if needed
  * excited to see you



**Me 3:42PM**

  * same :D
  * appreciate you



**Joel 3:42PM**

  * appreciate you too. gn



My face heats up at that last text. Joel isn’t the type of friend to withhold compliments from others, and he’s probably the most kindhearted person I know, but whenever he says something nice to me, I can’t help but feel a little bit special. 

I hate it.

Whenever I get in a rut like this, I always end up seeking after attention. Not just from boys, but from colleagues, friends, and sometimes even strangers over the Internet. I’m self-aware, yet it takes a huge change of lifestyle to try to fix myself. It’s infuriating.

I look around me once more. So many things are out of their place, and it’s overwhelming. And then I remember.

_Wait. Joel is coming to LA. So… the chances of him coming to my apartment are…_

I think through everything that Joel and I have ever done. _We both tend to be a little bit more on the introverted side, me more than him, but we play a lot of video games. He said he wanted to go to the arcade though… if we_ do _go to the arcade, he could get bored of video games. He might not want to come to my apartment._

I realize with a jolt how illogical my inner monologue is, since I should still have a clean-ish apartment, whether or not a stupid crush is coming over.

 _I’ll just clean like he_ is _coming over. Even though he probably won’t._

I stand up, looking around at my apartment.

“Let’s get this over with, I guess…”


	2. I Do a Normal People Thing

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early update, I know. I'm bored.
> 
> Make sure to leave feedback in the comments, if there's a problem I will definitely go back in and fix it.
> 
> I made a playlist of songs I listened to while writing this fic, if you care.  
> https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PLJbnnpqreVN_Gku_DMziwXqUJSMhqlArz

I walk outside of my apartment, trash bag in tow. I’m smiling, which probably makes me look like a psychopath, but I don’t particularly care. This is the last bit of trash before I’m _completely_ done with cleaning my apartment. I’ve taken all of my free time for the last few days to clean and organize every corner of my apartment, even the unnecessary parts like the broom closet I’ve only ever opened once while living here.

The process actually made me feel a lot better, and a clean living space makes me feel accomplished. I feel good about myself and my life for once.

Of course, to make the time for this whole ordeal I had to work my ass off on my art and everything. I’ve had little to no time to work on my own art projects, but I’d argue that having a nice, clean place to relax in after I’m done working is more important.

I throw the last trash bag into the dumpster, and brush off my hands. I smile and do a subtle fist pump.

_Okay. Just a couple more minutes until it’s time to go._

I was lucky to start cleaning when I did. Because if I had started any later, I would’ve been rushing to try to complete the project.

Not that it matters, since we never planned for him to come to my place anyway. I guess it’s as good a reason as any.

Today is Friday. And it’s nearly time to leave.

I probably set about six alarms on my phone so I didn’t oversleep. Not that I would, since I could barely fall asleep last night, I was so excited. I’d been texting a bit back and forth with Joel, but he wasn’t super active. Must be doing something important.

I go back into my apartment and sink into the freshly cleaned and vacuumed couch. I could actually lay across it now without sitting on papers. It’s much more comfortable.

I’m already ready to head out the door. I set everything up in advance. I’m just waiting for that notification.

_Ping!_

I stand up from my couch and grab my bag. “Soon.”

* * *

I get out of the Uber and walk to the entrance of the park. I stand adjacent to the opening so that I’m not in anyone’s way, and I shoot Joel a text.

**Me 1:57PM**

  * just got here. i’m to the right of the entrance



**Joel 1:57PM**

  * i think i’ll be a few minutes yet, but i’ll keep my eyes open :)
  * see you soon



**Me 1:57PM**

  * yeee



I feel a prick of frustration at having to wait even more to see him, but I remind myself that it’ll be worth it.

Minutes tick by, and _finally_ , I see him from across the lot.

He has a normal blue t-shirt and jeans on, which is pretty standard for him. That along with a black backpack and sunglasses, he looks like an experienced traveler. I can’t suppress my smile as I attempt to catch his attention.

His field of view passes over me, and he sees me waving at him. He grins at me and waves back.

I’m incredibly nervous, to be honest. And soon as I see him walking towards me, the situation starts really hitting me. My hands begin to tremble a little bit, and I start tearing up involuntarily.

 _Absolutely not. I am_ not _going to cry in front of him right now_.

Joel walks right up to me and holds his arms out for a hug.

“Hey! Sorry about being late,” he says, closing the gap.

Astounded, I hug him back. The contact didn’t last nearly long enough, but I was buzzing with happiness. I wasn’t under the impression that he and I were on “hug” levels of friendship. Of course, _I_ want hugs, but I didn’t know until now that we were at this point.

“It’s no problem!” I say. “I’m so happy to see you.”

I hold my breath, hoping he doesn’t notice my watering eyes.

“Yeah, I’m happy to be here. What’ve you been up to this week? I haven’t been keeping up with everything going on,” he says with a chuckle.

“Oh, uh… not much,” I say sheepishly. “I just worked a lot, and I guess I cleaned my apartment.”

Joel nods understandingly. “You cleaned it? Good for you. I remember you mentioned something about being frustrated with everything being messy all the time.”

I’m taken aback. I didn’t think he would remember that conversation. I mean, _I_ barely remember that conversation. Then again, it was 3AM for me.

“Yeah, you’re totally right about that. It’s nice to be able to see my entire bedroom floor sometimes.”

Joel barks a laugh. “You don’t think about liking the appearance of the ground until you haven’t seen it in a while.”

I shift from foot to foot. “Yeah… it’s certainly been nice. Surprisingly easy to continue once I’m started.”

Joel crosses his arms. “So, are we gonna go in, or are we gonna spend the whole time out here?”

I’m unperturbed by his sarcastic, but lighthearted tone. “Let’s go in. I’ve got an itch that only a rollercoaster can scratch.”

“I always have that itch,” Joel says, walking up to the ticket line.

After a short wait in the line, we arrive at the booth. I begin to pull out my wallet, but Joel makes a passive gesture.

“It’s alright, I’ve got you.”

I look up at him, confused. “Wh-”

“Two day passes, please,” Joel says to the cashier in the booth.

The cashier repeats what he said absent-mindedly, and rings us up. I look at Joel, dumbfounded.

“Here you go. Have a great time!” the cashier says, sliding the wristbands under the glass divider.

Joel takes them and places one in my hand. I’m stuck in my place, one hand in my bag, still looking at him. He turns around and waves for me to follow him.

“What are you waiting for?” he asks. “Come on!”

I hustle over to him, and once we fully get past the entrance and the crowds of people, I smack his arm.

“Ow!” he exclaims, flinching. “What was that for?”

“You asshole, you didn’t tell me you were going to do that!” I whisper-yell. I wasn’t particularly angry, mostly embarrassed. I think he could tell.

He laughs lightly. His smile is contagious, and it’s hard for me to keep up the angry act. “Why would I tell you about a surprise? Then it’s not a surprise. Plus, _I_ wanted to go here, so it’s only fair that I pay.”

I nearly crack a smile. “We both know that’s not how it works.”

Joel shrugs. “It’s also faster if I just pay for both of us.”

I finally quit the act at his comment. I lean over slightly, overtaken by a laugh. “It’s a conspiracy! Roller coasters are more important than being nice to friends.”

He looks at me and smiles. “Yeah, let’s go with that.”

My heart skips a beat. I feel my face heat up, and I look away.

“Hey, let’s go look at a map,” Joel says, pointing to one nearby.

I nod, looking for any distraction to help calm me down.

We find a section of the park that has tons of rollercoasters, and we begin walking in that direction. Some huge, twisting roller coasters begin to appear over the skyline, and I can barely contain my excitement.

“Wow, those look sick,” Joel comments. “It’s been too long since I’ve been on something like that.”

“Same,” I say, eyes wide.

At the same time, the streets are buzzing with tourists. There are street performers doing their acts, balancing on tiny platforms and breathing fire. Loud music blares from speakers, street vendors are selling all sorts of delicious-smelling food. And next to me is my best friend. I grin widely as a feeling of pure happiness washes over me.

“What’s up?” Joel asks, noticing my expression.

I cover my mouth self-consciously for a second. “Just happy.”

“We haven’t even done anything yet.”

I bump my shoulder into his playfully. “I know. Don’t gatekeep my feelings.”

He retaliates, making me giggle. “I’ll do what I want.”

The brief moment of contact leaves me wanting more, but I restrain the emotion.

 _Don’t be clingy, idiot,_ I think to myself.

We arrive at the first roller coaster, and I bounce up and down with anticipation. It isn’t one with a ton of loops, but it has a lot of sharp turns and drops. The line is fairly short for how busy the park is.

“Let’s go!” Joel says, getting in line.

I follow closely behind, not wanting to lose him in the quickly-moving crowd.

We stand in silence for a few seconds, before Joel asks, “Just so I can get a gauge of your day-to-day, how much time do you spend in front of a screen? I’ve never really known and I’ve always been wondering.”

I try to keep a straight face. My entire career is on the computer, how I make my money is through digital art, and my favorite pastime is playing video games. “Basically every waking moment. It’s really not healthy, I know. But if I’m not being lazy and procrastinating, I’m obsessing over my business, portfolio, and work.”

Joel nods. “That’s kinda what I figured, no offense. You’ve never mentioned anything about doing things outside of work.”

A small, painful needle of self-awareness worms its way into my feelings. “I know. It’s really hard for me to get out of the pattern I’m in.” I chuckle at my own expense. “I always need a really dramatic awakening to change anything. It’s extremely annoying.”

“I feel that. I’m usually the same way. Sometimes you just have to wear yourself out, and make a change afterwards in order to get shit done. Gotta just… hope to improve.”

It’s been weeks since Joel and I had a conversation on a deeper level like this. Last time we talked about deep shit was when we hung out over VRChat. We went on a couple of really cool-looking servers, and after we tired ourselves out, we sat down in a lonely corner of the map and talked about our childhoods. It was such a chill vibe, and right now, I’m getting the exact same feelings.

“Yeah… I hate that, though. Not knowing if things are going to improve or not is borderline infuriating.”

Joel hums thoughtfully. “Do you want advice?”

Yet another reason I respect Joel. He asks before saying things that could affect the way I think. It’s incredibly endearing. “Sure. We’ve got time.”

“If you really want things to change, you’re going to have to break the cycle. You said that cleaning your apartment was good? That’s a really good step towards breaking the cycle. I’m proud of you.”

“Proud of me?” I say, confused. It’s been ages since I’ve heard _anyone_ say that to me.

Joel hesitated. “...Yeah. Sorry, I don’t want to be acting like your fuckin’ dad or something-”

“No, that’s probably the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

Joel rolled his eyes. “That’s not true. Remember when you showed me a childhood drawing and I said that it was better than your current ones?”

I shove Joel, laughing. “Shut the fuck up.”

He doesn’t respond, but merely cackles.

Shortly after, we reach the front of the line. The operator lets us onto the ride, and I soon realize it’s just one of the more normal roller coasters. The seats are a simple bench with a safety bar that comes down over the head.

Joel slides into the front seat, and I follow after him. Our shoulders brush a little bit as we situate ourselves and secure our bags underneath our seats.

Before I know it, we’re allowed to pull down the bar.

“Watch your head,” Joel says as he pulls on the bar until it clicks into place.

“What a gentleman,” I say in an exaggerated British accent.

Joel rolls his eyes so much that he looks possessed.

“What the hell are you trying to do, see your brain?” I ask as the cars begin to move.

“Bold of you to assume I have a brain,” he replies wittily.

“Ooh, self-burn! Those are rare,” I say, suppressing my laughter.

He laughs, and I join him.

 _Damn, that laugh. Much funnier in person,_ I think to myself.

We both sit in anticipation as the roller coaster rounds a corner and begins going up the slope.

Joel taps both his feet on the ground in excitement, like a child.

“First drop in a while. Let’s hope it’s a good one,” he mutters. I can barely hear him over the clanking.

“I have a good feeling about it,” I say. We’re nearly at the top and the car is dead silent.

It slows down as it nears the peak, making the anticipation that much stronger.

“Oh God…” I murmur.

It rolls over the peak and accelerates down the steep slope. I feel my stomach drop and I have a nearly out-of-body experience. I can hear Joel yelling next to me, even with the wind rushing in my ears, and I think I’m screaming as well. 

We get to the first turn, and the force of it makes me lean into Joel. I try not to get too far into his personal space, but he doesn’t seem to be bothered by it. When it turns the other way, he slides into me much more severely than I did into him, squishing me against the side of the car.

“Sorry!” he yells over the noise. I laugh, but it’s cut off by a noise of alarm as we go down another steep drop.

Every sharp pitch and roll is a new feeling of invigoration, and with the added bonus of having Joel next to me, I feel like a different person than who I was a few days ago.

After enough turns, I stop caring about getting in Joel’s personal space because I realize that he probably doesn’t care that much. A few slides and pushes later, we were full-on shoving each other around, trying to not get squished by the other. Of course, all this was happening while we were both screaming.

The ride is over far too soon. I feel the car slow down as we approach the end.

Joel looks at me and chuckles. “That was fun.”

“Yeah,” I say. “I wanna do more.”

The car stops and the bars are unlocked. Joel pushes it out of the way while I grab both of our bags.

“Here you go,” I say as we walk away from the ride.

He takes his bag. “Thank you.”

As I walk around, I notice that I feel dizzy, but in a good way. I giggle a bit. “Do you feel that too?”

“What do you mean? The adrenaline?”

“That must be it,” I say, bumping arms with Joel ever so slightly. “It’s been years since I’ve gone on a roller coaster like that one. I feel high.”

“Really? I would’ve thought that you’ve gone on a lot of them, since you like ‘em so much.”

I frown. “I haven’t had anyone to go with.”

Joel says nothing, but drags his foot a little bit, causing a grinding sound.

“Sorry, oversharing,” I say, looking at the ground.

“You’re alright,” he reassures me. “I’m glad I can go with you, then.”

I try to make eye contact with him, but he isn’t looking at me. “Yeah, thank you. It really means a lot.”

Joel begins walking towards our next destination, and I hold back a sigh.

_You’re giving me really mixed signals here, bud._


	3. My Best Friend Is a Nicer Person Than Me (But Isn’t That a Given?)

After about three hours of going on different rides, we decide to take a break. I sit alone on a bench, waiting for Joel to return from the restroom.

Every minute I spend with him, the more comfortable I become. He is just as considerate as I remember, and he’s so incredibly chill and approachable. Even as one of his closer friends, I don’t feel like I have to censor everything I say. Of course, there are _some_ things that should be left unsaid, like how I think he’s really cute, but otherwise, I feel an odd sense of security when I talk to him.

I notice him walking from a direction he didn’t originally go in, and he’s carrying something in both hands. I stand up, confused, and focus on the objects in his hands. He has two brightly colored snow cones, one blue and one red.

“Sorry about taking so long,” he says, shaking the two snow cones gently. “Which one do you want?”

I couldn’t deny that they looked incredibly tasty, as it was pretty warm out. But I couldn’t help but feel a little bit upset.

“First the tickets, and now this?” I ask, hands on my hips.

He shrugs. “I can’t eat both of them myself.”

I pout a little bit before pointing at the blue one. “That one, I guess.”

He hands it over with a smile and gestures to a small, roofed shelter with tables and chairs. “Let’s sit over there. If I stand out here in the sun for much longer I’m gonna get even more sunburnt.”

I look at his arms, which were already turning a light shade of pink. “Agreed.”

We sit at a table near the back corner of the shelter and dig into our snow cones. The snack is really refreshing, and thoughtful as well.

“Do you know how hard it was to find vegan shit in this place?” he asks before shoveling more ice into his mouth.

I snort loudly. “I’ve seen like eight snow cone vendors. Don’t be such a drama queen.”

Joel takes his sunglasses off. “Guess I’m blind.”

“Your sunglasses are too dark.”

He chuckles. “Shut up.”

We sit in silence for a bit, eating our snow cones, until Joel pipes up.

“What’s the most expensive thing in your apartment?”

“What are you trying to do, rob me?” I ask, side-eyeing him.

Joel covered his mouth and leaned back, choking back laughter. “Sorry, it was just the first thing that popped into my head.”

“I know, I’m just giving you a hard time. Uhhh…” I think through all my possessions, until my thoughts rest on one thing. “Probably my drawing tablet. I probably dropped two grand on one that’ll last me for years.”

Joel reeled a little bit. “Dayummm, that’s a lot of money.”

“You can’t say anything, Mr. I-have-the-Lambourghini-of-chairs.”

“Hey, my ass deserves a break sometimes, and if that means spending thirteen hundred dollars on a chair, so be it.” He emphasizes his ridiculous point by pounding the table with his fist.

“Good thing you didn’t bring that dumb hat, either. I would’ve stolen it already,” I tease.

He shrugs. “You could just ask for it.”

“Not true. If you’re wearing the hat, that means you’re having a bad hair day. You don’t want to get _exposed_ ,” I say in a mock-scary voice.

Joel smiles at me over his remaining snow cone, which is looking like sludge. “Oh, you know me. Always trying to avoid getting cancelled.”

I consider my next bite for a second before resting my hand on the table in front of me. “I think if you took a risk every once in a while, you could grow your following a lot more.”

Joel stops eating. My eyes widen as I realize what I just said. _Was that too far?_

He sighs. “I know what you mean, and I appreciate the sentiment. But with the place that YouTube is in right now, if I take _too_ much of a risk, it has a decent chance of getting buried.”

I scowl slightly. “YouTube can honestly suck a dick.”

“Yeah. It’s happened one too many times, unfortunately. I’ll release a video I’m really proud of, and then it doesn’t do well for no reason. It’s like having a temperamental girlfriend that’s rarely satisfied with anything you give her.”

I nod. “So when you do something that doesn’t require as much effort, it probably doesn’t affect you as much when it doesn’t do well.”

“That’s probably part of it. And of course, I want to give my community something to entertain them while I promise something great in the future, but I just feel bad sometimes.”

My heart sinks. Joel is an amazing person and friend. He cares so much about his fanbase, and it hurts to see him not have the degree of success he deserves.

“I don’t see any problem with having filler videos while you work on bigger projects. As long as you deliver,” I say slowly. He’s fixated on his hands in front of him, not looking at me.

He seems unsatisfied with my answer, but says, “Yeah, you’re right.”

I down the rest of my snow cone and steal his sunglasses. “Let’s go on more rides, I’m ready!”

“Hey, give those back!” he says, standing up.

I jump out of my seat and briskly walk away. “You’ll have to come get them!”

I put them on and throw away my cup on the way out. Joel's light footsteps follow me, but he’s not moving at an urgent pace.

I slow down a bit as I realize that I ran too far into the crowd and I lost sight of him. I look around frantically until I feel a hand brush across my back.

“I’m right here. Let’s go,” Joel says, walking towards the next ride we haven’t visited yet.

I’m glad I’m wearing his sunglasses still, because my eyes were wide and they were probably covering most of my blush. My back tingles where his hand made contact.

I jog after him, weaving my way around groups of people. “Wait up! It’s not as fun if you don’t try to take your glasses back!”

* * *

After a full day of roller coasters, screaming, and other interactive rides, Joel and I left the park. I got an Uber to a nearby restaurant that offers vegan burgers.

“Ha, I finally did you a favor,” I say as we get into the car.

“Good for you, you’re two and one,” Joel says, plucking his sunglasses from off my forehead.

I scoff at him. “Since when are we keeping track?”

Joel raises his eyebrows at me. “Since you started fussing at me for buying you things.”

“S-sorry,” I stammer, looking away. My inability to make eye contact with him is embarrassing. I get too many unwanted feelings from having those green-blue eyes focused on me. But yet, I want him to pay attention to me.

“It’s alright,” he says reassuringly. “I know you’re just hungry.”

“Sure, it’s that, and not that I don’t know how to receive gifts or take compliments,” I say bluntly, pulling my phone out of my pocket.

“I understand,” he says, opening his backpack and putting his sunglasses in their case. “I’ve been there.”

I nod, frowning at my phone. “You haven’t tweeted anything dumb today. Are you okay?”

Joel laughs, pulling out his own phone. “Yeah, sor- _ree_ for paying attention while we hang out instead of being on my phone.”

“I want to help you create one,” I say, leaning over his shoulder.

Joel hums thoughtfully. “Alright, so what do you think about…”


	4. Feelings Are Dumb and So Am I

Joel and I get out of the Uber, laughing hysterically at the tweet we just wrote.

“How soon do you usually delete tweets like that?” I ask, approaching the door to the restaurant.

He steps in front of me and opens the door. “Just a minute. Gotta give ‘em a chance to screenshot first.”

We get seated, and Joel shows me as he hits the delete button.

“Done.”

I sigh sarcastically. “I’m almost sad to see it go.”

“I’m not,” Joel says, eyes wide as he puts his phone back into his pocket. “That one was especially cringe, and I am the king of cringe.”

“Yeah, remember that one video where-”

Joel holds up a single finger to my mouth. “Not a word from you.”

His finger isn’t even resting on my lips, it’s just remotely near me. Of course, my face insists on heating up for the umpteenth time today, and this time, I have nothing to hide it. I try to duck away and cover my face with my hands, but it’s already too late. He’s noticed.

“Sorry about that,” Joel mutters, sitting back in his seat. He’s mostly keeping his cool, but he’s noticeably on edge now. My reaction seems to have knocked out his feet from under him.

A long, awkward silence settles over us as we look over our menus. The silence is only broken when our waiter comes to take our orders.

After the waiter leaves, I excuse myself from the table.

“I’ll be right back,” I say, grabbing my bag and booking it to the restroom.

I go into a stall and lock it, staring at the door in front of me.

_What the fuck was that?_

I resist the overwhelming urge to hit my head against the door.

_I just embarrassed the shit out of myself… If he didn't know that I liked him before, he knows now.  
_

I clench my teeth as tears threaten to fall.

_I had one job... To keep him in the friend zone. Even if that means denying myself...  
_

_Even if it means lying to him. Even if it means..._

_Telling him I don't like him in that way._

My heart drops, and a wave of nervous energy passes over me.

"Fuck..." I hiss quietly, cursing my own thoughts.

I straighten up a little bit in a desperate attempt at changing my mentality.

_Let’s just keep going and pretend like nothing happened. It’ll be okay._

_Just... don't do anything rash. I'll be fine._

I nod to myself before walking out of the stall. I briefly wash my hands so I don’t look like a disgusting person and then I go back into the main area.

Joel is scrolling on his phone, resting his elbow on the table, when he sees me come back.

“Hey, I’m sorry about that. I didn’t mean to embarrass you,” he says, putting his phone away.

“It’s totally okay. It wasn’t your fault,” I say, waving off his apology. “I just turn red really easily.”

“I’ve noticed,” Joel says passively, which makes my heart stop momentarily. I don’t think he meant anything by it, but…

“Healthy circulation, I guess,” I say jokingly, taking a sip of my drink.

He laughs lightly and takes a sip of his own drink.

“So…” I begin, placing my drink on the table and turning it slowly. “What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?”

Joel considered the question for a few moments. “I’m not sure. I mean, I get so much feedback in a day that it’s hard to remember, but one that sticks out in my head is that once a girl said I looked hot out of nowhere. This was probably like, ten years ago, but I still remember it.”

I frown thoughtfully and nod. “So, was she like, interested in you, or…?”

“I’m not in contact with her anymore, never have been,” Joel says, smirking. “But that’s the thing, I have literally no idea. I don’t remember even talking to her after that.”

I nearly mentally gloss over the fact that Joel prefaced his statement with “ _I’m not in contact with her anymore._ ” What the hell…?

“Interesting. So it stuck because it was random?” I ask, trying to distract myself from that thought.

Joel folds his hands on the table in front of him and shrugs. “I guess. And like, calling someone ‘hot’ is one of my least favorite compliments, but she somehow made it sound genuine.”

I tilt my head to one side. “Strange how that works.”

“What about you?” he asks. “You’ve probably got a memory like that, right?”

I think back to my school and college years, which were not the brightest. I was bullied throughout elementary and middle school, and friends were scarce during high school. It was not often that I got a compliment, but…

“I mean, you’re probably the first friend I’ve had that says nice things to me consistently. So…”

Joel blinks rapidly and sits back in his chair. “Really? Not even your internet friends?”

“News flash Joel, you kind of are an internet friend. And I guess the only other person I can really think of is my ex.”

He breaks eye contact for a split second, biting his lip and looking at his hands in front of him. He seems conflicted.

“It’s okay to ask me about him, by the way,” I say. I’ve only name-dropped my ex a few times, but Joel never seemed to pry. Which I appreciate, even though I’m not particularly sensitive about the topic. “He’s an asshole, but I’m glad I got away from him.”

He purses his lips, considering his words carefully. “So, what did he tell you?”

I was completely expecting Joel to ask me about my ex and I, but instead, he completely sidestepped the subject. I note his reaction and attempt to come up with a decent answer.

“He used to tell me how talented I was. All the time. That’s basically all he ever said to me. At least, that’s the one of the only nice things he ever said to me.”

He sighs inwardly. “Doesn’t sound like a great person.”

“To be fair, I was an idiot for letting someone like that into my life.”

Joel’s eyebrows raise a centimeter. “It’s not like you can predict something like that.”

“You don’t even know what he did,” I say defensively. I don't even know why I'm defending my ex, it just feels like a normal thing to do. It's like a reflex or coping mechanism, like I'm trying to give myself a reason so I don't have to accept what really happened.

“I don’t need to. He obviously made you feel like shit, which is not okay, even if you enabled it in some way.”

I hang my head slightly. Joel has a point. The whole situation is much easier to take responsibility for than trying to explain every problem my ex had. Whenever I do that, I feel like I need a list, or physical proof that he hurt me. Which, my ex never hit me, but it sometimes felt like it. That thought process is dumb and probably damaging, but it becomes much simpler this way.

“Listen, whatever happened, I’m here for you. Paint it however you’d like, but I just don’t see you as a problematic person,” Joel says comfortingly. 

“Thanks.” A warm feeling in my chest expands throughout my entire body. “I appreciate you.”

Joel smiles at me. He pauses and narrows his eyes at me in an expression of sincerity. “I appreciate you too.”

* * *

After a great meal and good conversation, I get us another Uber to the Santa Monica Pier. It’s nearly sunset, and I want to get ice cream before watching it. I haven’t been to the Pier in months, much less with a friend.

“Second Uber for us today. Am I caught up to you yet?” I ask as I put on my seatbelt.

“Caught up to me? I paid for the meal, you’re still two and three,” Joel teases.

I throw back my head and laugh. “I was hoping you’d forget about that.”

“Forget? This is a life-and-death competition. Like the Hunger Games.”

“You’d die instantly in the Hunger Games. Don’t even pretend like you’d survive past the first day.”

“Hey, no. I have the advantage of being a little bitch, so I’d avoid all the fights and die of starvation or something instead. Which takes longer than a day,” Joel says matter-of-factly.

“Well darn,” I say, snapping my fingers sarcastically. “You got me there.”

Joel says nothing, but smiles at me, making me smile as well.

We arrive near the pier, and we get out of the car.

“I thought we were gonna get dropped off closer,” Joel comments, shouldering his bag.

“Aww, can Mr. Swede not handle a little bit of walking?” I say jokingly, walking in the opposite direction of the pier.

“Where the hell are you going?” he asks, stumbling slightly trying to keep up. “Uh-”

“We’re getting ice cream!” I say excitedly, walking into the parking lot of a nearby gas station.

“Ohhh, you could’ve told me that,” Joel says, relieved.

“But then it wouldn’t be any fun.”

I walk into the gas station and go to the frozen section, before gesturing at it.

“What flavor do you want?”

Joel looks at me and raises an eyebrow.

“What?” I ask, bemused.

He stoops down and grabs Ben & Jerry’s. I grin widely and nod.

“I knew you were gonna choose that one.”

“It’s the only vegan option here.”

“That’s how I knew you were gonna choose it.”

“What a master of deduction you are, Holmes,” he says, sarcasm dripping from his voice, and grabbing a spoon from a nearby dispenser.

I grab a spoon as well and walk in front of Joel, holding my hand out. “Give me the ice cream.”

Joel moves it away from me instinctively. “What are you doing?”

“Paying.”

He sighs dramatically before giving it to me. I try to ignore the fact that his fingers briefly brushed mine. “Fine… I’ll give you a freebie.”

I smirk slightly before whirling around and marching to the cashier.

I pay for everything, and we promptly leave the gas station. The sun is getting lower and lower in the sky, casting a beautiful orange glow over everything.

“Let’s hurry!” I say, jogging to the pier. “Don’t wanna miss the sunset.”

“Oh God, it’s been a while since I’ve done this,” Joel mutters, nearly stepping on my heels in an attempt to follow closely.

After about fifteen minutes of looking, we find a short, empty bench facing the ocean. I race over to it and sit down before anyone takes it. Joel follows close behind and plants himself next to me.

“Damn, that took a while,” he says, slightly out of breath.

I glance at him. He’s looking out at the ocean, focused on something far off in the distance. The orange lighting really does something for him, I can barely tear my eyes away to give him a spoon for the ice cream.

“Here you go,” I say, popping the lid open.

He digs in immediately, barely giving me a chance to even take out my own spoon.

“It’s too hot out,” he says, mouth full of ice cream.

“Better than Brighton,” I remark before taking a bite.

Joel points his spoon at me. “True.”

The sky begins turning beautiful colors, and we briefly pause on our ice cream-eating to watch it.

“So… today was really amazing,” he starts, sticking his spoon into the ice cream and making it stand up.

I look away from the sunset to look at him. He’s looking at me, but turns away slightly when I make eye contact with him.

“Yeah, I agree.” I say, praying that I wouldn’t blush. _Was that on purpose?_ "You said that you wanted to go to the arcade, is that still true? Do you have enough time?”

Joel kicks at my foot, which makes me scowl and kick back. “Yeah, I’d love to waste some money on gambling for children.”

“So… four o’ clock tomorrow?”

“Sure, sounds good,” Joel says.

A brief pause occurs before a conversation topic pops into my head. “What’s your favorite personality trait about yourself?”

“Hmmm, that’s a good question,” Joel says, scratching his chin. “It changes sometimes, but I like to think that I’m really reasonable and that I can deescalate situations really well.”

I nod. “Interesting. I thought you would say something about your drive.”

Joel shrugs slightly. “I dunno… it’s a blessing and a curse. My drive can get in the way of taking care of myself, and reasonableness is probably a more well-rounded trait.”

“I think both of those traits are amazing, even if they have their ups and downs to them,” I say.

Joel taps my knee gently. “Thank you, that’s really nice of you to say.”

“It’s just the truth.”

Joel pauses before reaching for his pocket. “Is it okay if I get an Uber? I’ve gotta get up pretty early tomorrow and I’m still kinda jet lagged.”

I nod vigorously. “Oh yeah, no problem. It’s been an eventful day, I don’t blame you.”

The sun is about halfway under the horizon before Joel finishes getting an Uber. 

“Just a couple of minutes,” he says, setting his phone face-down on the bench. “So, what personality traits do you seem to be most compatible with?”

I laugh to myself. “Well… I like someone who knows what they’re doing. Someone who can take care of themselves, and I don’t feel like I have to babysit them. I’ll help ‘em if they need it, but I’m not super emotionally available in that regard. Uh… I also like forward-thinking people, and logic is good as well, since I tend to be kinda emotional at times. Anyone I can banter with, basically.”

Joel looks at me and narrows his eyes ever so slightly. A small smile rests on his lips. “So basically, us.”

My eyes widen. “Y-yeah, that may or may not be what I’m basing it on.”

Joel crosses his arms and leans against the backrest. “But no, I agree with you. You need someone who can simultaneously push you to do better and hang out with.”

I nearly say something about how it would be great to find a boyfriend like that, but I catch it before it comes out.

Joel shifts a tiny bit before saying, “I’m similar, but I just need someone who can point out the importance of slowing down, you know? Beth, she was really good at doing that, and… yeah.”

I can’t help but jolt a little bit. He’s never brought any of his exes into casual conversation like that before. I try to hide my reaction a little bit by saying, “Yeah, slowing down is really important. I’ve always been _too_ slow.”

The sun sinks below the horizon, but Joel doesn’t seem to notice. “I don’t think that’s true. You just underestimate how good you are at your job. You’re so efficient that you end up with a ton of extra time.”

“Yeah, but what’s the point of having time if I don’t do anything with it?” I say, leaning forward and resting my chin on my hands.

Joel tentatively rests his hand on my back. It’s simultaneously reassuring and shocking. “Hey, you don’t need to beat yourself up over it. You’ll find your groove eventually, and then you’ll find your happy medium.”

I shake my head in disbelief, but say, “Maybe one day.”

Joel reaches around me and pulls me in for a short side hug, patting my back once before letting go.

“You don’t give yourself enough credit.”

“You’re too nice to me,” I say, wiping at the tears that are starting to well up.

I hear a notification come from Joel’s phone, but he doesn’t seem to pay it any attention.

I bite my lip, but ask another question off the top of my head. “What do you think makes us such good friends?”

Joel’s foot starts tapping. I don’t know whether it’s out of nervousness or just habit. “Well, first of all, we have a lot in common, but what we don’t have in common balances out. Like, if we’re _too_ similar we could grate against each other, you know?”

“I remember in high school, I knew someone that was almost the same person as me, and some people wondered why we weren’t friends. It was mostly because the bad sides of our personalities really did not agree, and so we ended up basically hating each other. So yeah, I know what you mean.”

“Yeah, that’s exactly what I’m talking about. But our differences sort of compliment each other, which is really cool. I’m really lucky to have found someone like you.”

_Okay,_ that _sounded like something you should say to a girlfriend, not a best friend._

The thought is hard to shake off. “So, is there anything I can improve on? So, you know, we can get even closer? Because I think you’re really cool.”

Joel pauses for a long time. His foot stops tapping, and he’s stone silent for too long. It begins getting uncomfortable before he says, “No… I think… no, you’re good.”

“Alright, well… don’t hesitate to tell me if you have a problem,” I say slowly, trying to get a read on his expression. He seems uneasy, but I don’t understand why.

“I won’t. My Uber’s here. I’ll see you tomorrow.” He gets up abruptly and walks away, leaving me dumbfounded.

I want to call after him, to ask him what’s wrong, but nothing leaves my mouth. Tears fill my eyes and I lose sight of him in the crowd.

He’s gone.

_Did I say something? What happened? Is it my fault?_

I turn back to the fading sunset and sluggishly take the spoons out of the ice cream before closing it.

_I don’t even know what I did._


	5. I Have Never Gotten a More Mixed Signal In My Life

I yawn and step into my kitchen, ready to drink some coffee and get my day started.

Yesterday was great, but the night ended jarringly. I still don’t know what caused Joel to leave like that. He hasn’t texted me, and I can only assume that we’ll go to the arcade like nothing happened.

Which I hate. I hate that I don’t know what I did, I hate not knowing if I can fix it or not, and I hate feeling guilty if it’s not even my fault.

And I miss him already.

I miss how he smiles, I miss the way he looks at me when I tell him I appreciate him, and I miss how much he respects me as a person.

Our little moments of physical contact are a painful reminder to how lonely I am.

I stayed up until really late last night, eating the leftover ice cream and staring at the wall, my heart full of regrets that I can’t even name.

And when I woke up, I just watched YouTube videos and drifted in and out of sleep, trying anything to distract myself from my intrusive thoughts.

I glance at the clock on the microwave as I start making coffee. 2:27PM.

A small feeling of shock goes down my spine. I’m not even close to ready, and I’m _just_ starting to make coffee.

“Oh, _shit_ ,” I mutter to myself, looking around my apartment. It’s as clean as I left it, but because I’d lived in a complete disaster for so long, it became more of an _organized_ disaster. I knew where everything was, but now that I’d moved everything and put them in their proper places, it’ll take much longer to get ready.

_Better move quickly, I guess._

* * *

I scramble out of the Uber and go into the arcade. I look around and spot the top of Joel’s head. I walk up to the table he’s sitting at.

“Oh hey, I was beginning to wonder if you were coming,” he says, perking up and putting his phone away. His tone says confident, but his body language says sheepish.

“Sorry I’m late,” I say, avoiding eye contact.

“It’s only fair, I mean, I was late yesterday.”

I smile sadly. “Yeah, I guess.”

“Have you gotten your credits?” he asks.

“Not yet, where do I do that?”

“Over at the counter. I’d get the unlimited one, if I were you. Seems pricey, but some of these machines take _hella_ credits.”

“Thanks, I’ll do that.”

I walk over to the counter and glance over the prizes. Most of them are cheap plastic that you could get at the dollar store, but as I look at the shelf, my eyes lock onto something that makes me excited.

A small, green dinosaur plushie. It’s worth a lot of tickets, but it’s so adorable and dumb-looking that I set it as my one and only goal right off the bat.

I buy my unlimited card and walk back to Joel.

“Dude, did you see that dinosaur plushie?” I ask.

“What?” he asks, brow furrowed as he tries to look past me.

I tug on his arm, and he stands up. “Come here, you can’t see it from here.”

I walk him over to the counter and point to the dinosaur.

“Ohhh, I see it now,” Joel says. “Oh my God, it’s adorable. So squishy and stupid.”

I turn to him and grin. “Whoever buys it from the counter first wins.”

“Wins what?” Joel asks, not necessarily turning down the offer, but encouraging it.

“Uhhh…” I hesitate, trying to come up with a feasible prize.

“Drinks later?”

A smile slowly spreads over my face. “You’re on.”

I shove Joel behind me as I run to a nearby machine.

“H-hey! Cheating!” he says, going on a machine next to me.

I swipe my card and start the game. “Not my fault you weren’t ready.”

“Next time we race I’ll just steal your knees, and then we’ll see who wins,” Joel mutters in a whiny tone.

I laugh, but my focus holds as I press a few buttons to tryhard my way through the game.

* * *

  
I speed walk through the rows and rows of arcade machines, trying to find Joel. It had been an hour and I was decently close to getting the plushie, but I needed to find the right machine to farm credits. Joel and I split up a couple of minutes ago to cover more ground, but I hadn’t seen him since.

I walk up a set of stairs to another level of even more machines, and I see Joel crouched over a pinball machine. It's been years since I've seen one of those, and it makes me smile as I feel a wave of nostalgia come over me.

“Dammit,” he says, throwing his hands up.

I peek over his shoulder, and a flashing “GAME OVER” lit up a display.

“Did you win?” I ask innocently, and he jumps a little.

“Jesus, you scared me,” he says, stepping back from the machine. “Nah, I suck at these things. Always have.”

“Move,” I say, getting my card out of my pocket and swiping it.

The balls fall into the chute and I release the ball shooter. The game starts, and I begin to get a feel for this machine’s mechanics.

I see Joel watching in amazement as I try aiming for every part of the machine and experiment with what they do.

“When did you get good at these?” Joel asks, still focused on the machine.

“Remember when I said I didn’t have many friends in high school?”

“Ah… I see where you’re going with that.”

The score begins to rack up quickly now, but I miscalculate and the ball falls into the out hole.

“Damn, you’ve already doubled my score, and you’re on the second ball,” Joel says, impressed.

“There was a similar machine at my arcade,” I say, shooting the next ball into the playfield. “There can only be so many mechanics in a pinball machine, and some of ‘em can get kinda same-y.”

Joel nods. “Interesting.”

I nearly hesitate and lose the ball, but get a grasp on it at the last second. “Sorry about the info dump.”

“No, I’m being serious. I never knew that you went to an arcade all the time.”

“How do you think my crippling video game addiction started?” I ask.

“I’m not sure. I always saw you as a Nintendo kid, like me.”

The ball bounces awkwardly off a corner and goes into the out hole. 

“Shit, last ball,” I say. I don’t have a reference for what good scores are, but considering that this machine scores by the thousands and it doesn’t pile up super quickly, I think I’m doing pretty well.

“I don’t know anything about pinball, but I’ve never seen anyone play this well in person,” Joel says.

“Your encouragement is appreciated,” I say, releasing the last ball.

After over an hour of playing other games, my neck begins to cramp up. I play with bated breath as I blow through several stages, multiplying my points rapidly.

About a minute later, the neck pain begins to become too much. I break attention for a moment to massage the nape of my neck and stretch a bit, but that second allows for the ball to hit the side my hand wasn’t on, and the game ends promptly.

“Damn,” I say, laughing. “All this leaning over is destroying my body.”

“I feel that,” Joel says as he cracks his neck.

I barely notice my score scroll past a few of the top scores and sit comfortably at the number four spot.

“Holy shit, first try?” Joel says excitedly, holding his hand up for a high five.

I smile and follow through. “First try.”

“You’ve got talent,” he says, scratching the back of his head.

“Just muscle memory is all,” I say shyly.

Joel points behind him with his thumb. “There are some really cool machines up here as well! Wanna go check them out with me?”

“Yeah, just let me go check my credit count. You can go ahead of me.”

Joel nods and walks off. I watch him leave shamelessly before finding the counting machine for the second floor.

I put my card in and wait for a few seconds, leaning against the wall. I continue to stretch my neck, until I hear a small “ _ping!_ ” and I look at the display.

I stare at the screen with amazement. Getting that high of a score on the pinball machine gave me a ton of credits, and it was _just_ enough to push me over the edge.

I fly down the stairs to go get my prize, but stop abruptly as I have a thought.

_What if I gave him the plush?_

I weigh out the possibilities, and realistically, nothing altogether negative could come out of it. Of course, he could reject the gift, but then I would have a great dinosaur plushie.

_Seems innocent enough._

I continue my trek towards the prize counter, and I stand in line for a few moments before handing my card to the cashier.

“Give me the dinosaur plushie, please,” I say, pointing to it and smiling. Here I am, a grown-ass woman, asking for a stupid stuffed creature.

And I’m not particularly ashamed.

The cashier hands me the plushie, and I resist all urges to act outside of the social norm. I thank the cashier and go back upstairs.

I get another idea that would make the situation more interesting. I find a corner of the arcade that seems to be less-visited, and I squish the plushie in between two machines. It’s pretty unnoticeable from most angles, but fairly accessible as well. A perfect hiding spot.

I catch back up to Joel, who’s still in the same area.

“There you are. Bet you’re jealous of me, I found the perfect machine to farm credits on,” Joel says, tapping buttons on the machine rapidly.

“Oh, yeah? If I wanted to destroy you, I’d continue on the pinball machines,” I say, putting my card into the machine next to his.

“They probably don’t give that many credits,” Joel speculates, hissing inwardly as he narrowly avoids losing his game.

 _You wish,_ I think, passively playing my own game. I no longer have a reason to tryhard, so it’s a lot less stressful.

After about fifteen more minutes, Joel goes to check his credit count. I watch as he rushes down the stairs, and try to hold in my laughter as I imagine his confusion. I hang around the machines that the dinosaur plushie was between, awaiting his return

He appears at the top of the stairs, and pauses for a second while he looks around for me. He runs up to me, panting. “The dinosaur’s gone, someone bought it!”

“Oh, what a tragedy,” I say unenthusiastically. I reach between the machines behind me and pull out the cute toy.

“Wh-what?” he stammers. “How did you get that?”

“You know when you said that the pinball machine doesn’t give many credits?” I ask, prompting him to recall the event. “Yeah, it actually gave a shit ton. Enough to let me buy it immediately after that game.”

“Damn…” Joel says. “So, drinks are on me, then?”

“Yeah, but first, you can have it.”

“Have what?” He looks down at my outstretched hands. “Oh. Wait-”

“Before you ask, yes, I’m sure.”

“You seriously don’t want it?” Joel asks, dumbfounded.

“Not as much as I want you to have it. I’d like you to take it back to the UK with you, if that’s alright.”

Joel takes it into one hand and gives me a hug with the other.

“Thank you so much, I love it,” he says. The embrace lingers for a little too long, making me feel comforted and nervous all at the same time.

“Where do you want to go for dinner?” he asks, letting go of me.

“I’ve really got a hankering for a ramen place. For drinks, we can walk to a liquor store nearby, and I’ll mix us some.”

“Sounds like fun to me. I’m not in much of a bar mood anyway.”

“I’m never in a bar mood,” I grumble lightheartedly. “I’ll get the Uber.”


	6. A “Very Normal” Trip To the Liquor Store

“That ramen place was _amazing!_ You really know all the best places in the area,” Joel says as I unlock the door to my apartment.

“I haven’t been there in a while, but I remembered that they have plenty of vegan options, so I thought it would be a good idea.” I open the door and let him in.

Joel steps over the threshold and takes a deep breath. “Damn, it _is_ clean in here.”

I laugh nervously. “It’ll probably only stay like this for a few more days before it’s basically back to its usual disastrous state.”

“So when are we getting drinks? Not that I’m impatient, just wondering,” Joel asks, taking off his shoes.

“We can hang out here while I take stock of what I have, and maybe throw a few ideas around.”

“Sounds good to me. Nothing too sweet, please,” he says.

“Of course, I know you. How irresponsible do we want to be?” I ask, going to the kitchen and looking through my mini bar.

“Hmmm…” Joel hums, following me into the kitchen. “Not too much, because I’m hanging out with other friends tomorrow afternoon, but nothing too safe, either.”

“Ever had alcoholic coffee?” I ask, grabbing the neck of my only overly expensive drink, a dark rum.

“Once. It was good, but I haven’t had it since.”

“You drink black coffee, you’re gonna love this,” I say, checking my freezer. The ice tray was empty. “Gotta refill that…”

“What’s in it?” he asks.

I fill the ice tray with cold water. “Well, that dark rum on the counter, and a coffee liqueur. Add a couple syrups and some dark chocolate bitters, and BAM! You’ve got yourself a dangerously tasty drink.”

“Are you sure we should be drinking coffee at this time of night?” he asks cautiously.

I roll my eyes at him as I carefully set the ice tray in the freezer and close the door. “What a lame fuckin’... I have some decent whiskey as well if you want it.”

“No, it’s fine! I’d love to try the drink, it sounds great,” Joel says.

“I’m glad,” I say, laughing at his reaction. “You’re not going to offend me if you don’t want it.”

“I’ll enjoy anything you make, honestly.”

“Aww, thank you,” I say. His compliments are flustering me less and less, but I still get really happy whenever he says something nice to me.

“So, you’ve spent the last nine months living here? By yourself?” he asks, leaning on the counter and looking over some of the drinks I have set out.

I sigh. “Unfortunately. It’s been really depressing. Living in a dump twenty-four seven doesn’t do wonders for my mental health.”

“Which is why cleaning up is so revolutionary to you,” Joel says thoughtfully.

“Exactly,” I say, getting another ingredient out of the cupboard and setting it next to him.

He picks it up and observes it for a second, before putting it back down. “This might be weird to say, but I’m glad I could make a difference.”

I’m reaching for something in another drawer, but my hand hesitates as he says this. I choose my words carefully. “Living alone has been… soul-crushing. But being friends with someone like you has made it a little more bearable.”

Joel looks at me as I turn around. He has a ghost of a smile on his face, but his expression is something I can’t quite put my finger on. Whatever it is, it makes me feel safe and appreciated.

“I also appreciate that you’re handling your situation maturely," he says, eyes fixed on what I'm doing. "You know you have problems, but you’re not dumping them on anyone. You’re taking responsibility.”

I make an indecisive noise. “I’m not sure… The way I handle problems is that I acknowledge them and don’t actually do anything about them. And I _know_ I should probably go to a professional, but it hasn’t been on the priority list.”

“What _is_ on the priority list?” Joel asks before adding, “If you don’t mind me asking.”

I look down as I mentally grasp at any of my future goals. “Expand my portfolio, get more money, find some sort of group activity I can do to make friends?”

Joel nods. I can tell he’s withholding some sort of comment, but I don’t prod him.

I continue so I'm not tempted to put him on the spot. "The time we’ve spent together… it’s been amazing. Like, too amazing. It blows any expectation I had of what we would do out of the water. But,” I pause to put away any other drinks that we weren’t gonna need. “It’s also been really inspiring, and it gives me motivation in a lot of areas of my life.”

“Isn’t it crazy how we got here?” he asks. “You thought I hated you, I thought you were chill, which I was _correct_ , by the way-”

“Hey, we’ve talked about this!” I say, waving my hands around frantically. “Our first encounter was garbage.”

“True. I didn’t even talk to you.”

“Douchebag,” I mutter playfully.

Joel laughs. “The music was loud and I was tipsy, what can I say?”

“It doesn’t matter anyway,” I say. “And I know you just took your shoes off and everything, but we’re leaving.”

“Right now?” Joel asks, scrambling to get his bag.

“Yeah.”

“One second,” he says as he puts his shoes on and takes up the entire hallway to the exit.

“I can’t get around you, you know,” I say impatiently.

“Yeah, I know, sorry.” He finishes tying his shoe and stands up. “Let’s go.”

“And I thought the woman was supposed to be the one to take longer when leaving the house,” I joke as I open the door.

“Well, when did you start getting ready this morning?” Joel asks.

“2:30ish?”

“And the arcade is like, twenty minutes away?”

I smack him on the arm. “Shut up. How dare you disprove my argument with facts and logic.”

He rubs where I hit him slowly and laughs. “I agree. Very rude of me to not consider our friendship dynamic.”

We walk in silence for a few seconds. It’s a comfortable temperature, and the dimness of the sinking sun combined with the humidity reminds me of a comforting blanket. The neighborhood is quiet, except for the soft whooshing of traffic in the distance.

“It’s so nice here,” Joel comments. “I love the weather, even if it makes me sunburnt.”

“Oh shit, I forgot about that. Did you figure something out to make it less sore?”

He looks his arms over once. “Yeah, I got some aloe gel or something like that from a pharmacy. I think it’s called Walgreens?”

“Oh, Walgreens? Do you not have those in the UK?” I ask.

He shakes his head. “Never been in one before, if there is. It’s the most corporate-looking pharmacy that I’ve ever seen.”

“You know America and its love for capitalism,” I say.

Joel raises his eyebrows. “Yeah. The UK isn’t too much better than here, but it’s still a noticeable difference.”

“It’s very different,” I say in agreement.

“But yeah, the gel has really helped, but I’ve heard it’ll make my skin peel a lot, which I’m really not excited for.”

“I’ve never really had that experience. Maybe if you’re prone to peeling, it’ll make it worse, but I’m not sure.”

“It’s not like I don’t have enough skin problems,” he says jokingly.

“Bitch, your skin has been super clear lately. Your fans would kill for a skincare routine. Hell, _I_ would kill for a skincare routine.”

“Well first, you have to get a child, and then you have to-” Joel makes a violent gesture in midair, and I laugh loudly.

“So _that’s_ how you gained immortality status.”

“Nah, that’s just genes. I’ll hit a wall in my life where I just age super suddenly and then everyone will be very confused,” he says, swiping his hair out of his face.

“I doubt that. You take good care of yourself, and that helps a lot.”

As I say this, our knuckles brush against each other, and I try not to jerk my hand away.

“Oops, sorry about that,” Joel says passively. “I mean, I’ll have to age one day. Even Keanu Reeves has been starting to look older recently.”

Since when were we walking so close to each other? I haven’t been walking any way other than my normal way, I take the same route every time. I try to clear my thoughts as I say, “Sacrilege. Keanu Reeves has _earned_ his immortality, and it’s just mean to say otherwise.”

“True. Not gonna argue about that one.”

“Over there,” I say, pointing to the store. We jog across the street and go inside.

“Hey, how are you?” I smile as I see that my favorite cashier is on shift, and he's greeting me with a friendly wave. I visit this store semi-often, and while I’m not an alcoholic, I do like to experiment with drinks. Sue me.

“Good, how about you?” I reply.

“I’m doing great. Anything you’re looking for in particular?” he asks.

“Yeah, but I think I’ll be okay. Thanks, though!”

“No problem." The cashier eyes Joel carefully, but doesn't say anything.

As we walk past and into one of the aisles, Joel asks, “Do you know the people here?”

“Just their faces. Knowing locals is good, but doesn’t substitute for friends.”

Joel observes some of the shelves of alcohol around him. “I’m just now realizing how ignorant I am to some of this stuff. Like, what the fuck is all this? There’s so many different kinds.”

I chuckle lightly as I look over some coffee liqueurs of my favorite brand. “That’s how I felt at first as well. I guess I just started screwing around until I learned what I liked.”

“So do you like, know what everything means? That’s the part I have the hardest time with.”

I consider his question for a moment. “I don’t really know what all of them mean, but I get the vibe of them.”

Joel blinks. “You’re a vibe-reader for alcohol?”

I click my tongue at him. “Not an alcoholic, though.”

“Suuuure…”

I roll my eyes. “Want anything else?” I ask, pulling a bottle off the shelf.

“What do you mean? I’m buying.”

“Oh shit, I forgot,” I say. “If you wanna walk around, you can. I’ll just be looking at things I wanna try another time.”

“Oh, okay. Yeah, I think I’ll do that.”

“Meet me at the register when you’re done!” I call after him. He’s immediately heading towards the beers and wines. I don’t know what I expected.

I start browsing through the new arrivals at the front of the store when the cashier calls for my attention.

“Hey, come over here.”

I walk over to him and read his nametag. After all these months, I still haven't learned his name. “What’s up, Jacob?”

“Call me Jake. But who is that guy you’re with?” he asks. “You’ve never visited with someone before.”

“Oh, that’s my friend. He’s just at my place to hang out for a while.”

“Girl, I see the way you look at him,” Jake states in a hushed tone. “I don’t even need to _know_ you to know that you’re into him. So tell me, are you gonna try to get him to stay?”

My eyes widen. Jake is being much more forward than I would _ever_ dare to be, but I can respect it.

“I don’t know yet. He’s basically my only friend, and I’d hate to be too forward and ruin something. I already freaked him out somehow yesterday.”

Jake shakes his head. “Don’t let him get away! He’s so cute, you’d look amazing together.”

My stomach sinks in disappointment when I realize how I just overshared with someone who's barely an acquaintance. My loneliness is truly getting to me, isn’t it?

“I’ll see what happens. My worst fear is being too rash.”

“Well, how long have you known him?” Jake asks.

“A little less than a year?”

“And how long have you liked him?”

“About six months.”

“C’mon, girl! Go for it. Chances are he’s into you too.”

“Are they?” I question.

“Are they what?”

“Are the chances really that good?”

“I mean, straight men like him are pretty oblivious, let’s be honest. So if you take that into account, and the fact that he’s single, he’s probably willing to do a lot of things.”

“I don’t know about that…”

Jake sighs in exasperation. “Alright, whatever you think is best.”

I check over my shoulder, and I see Joel carrying a microbrew that I’ve only seen hipsters go near.

“What the fuck is that?” I ask him as he approaches.

“An experiment, like you do,” Joel says. Hearing him compare himself to me is extremely endearing.

“Alright, well, you’re buying, so…” I place the liqueur on the counter and step back from the register. 

“You’re new here, where are you from?” Jake asks as he rings Joel up.

“I’m just visiting, but I live in the UK,” Joel responds.

“The UK, huh? Wouldn’t have guessed that one,” Jake says, bagging both our drinks.

“He’s from Sweden, lives in the UK,” I interject.

“Ohhh, I see. Well, I hope you two have a good night!” Jake says.

“Thanks, Jake!” I say, taking the bag off the counter.

“Bye-bye, now.” Jake grins at me and mouths, " _Good luck!_ " once Joel's back is turned.

We walk into the orange-tinted outdoors, the sun splashing its warm, happy light onto us.

“I can carry the bags, if you’d like,” Joel offers.

I shrug, but quickly reconsider as I realize how heavy the bags were going to get. “Yeah, sure.”

He bumps shoulders with me. “I heard you were talking with the cashier. What were you talking about?”

Oh, God. Time to come up with a quick lie. “Uh, just what I was going to be mixing. He was… recommending stuff based on what I told him.”

“That’s cool. It sounded like you had some hot goss’ as well,” he whispers in a satirical tone.

I try to look anywhere but at Joel. “Uh… yeah. Well, no, not really.”

“Then what was all the hush-hush about?” he asks.

“Uhhh…”

Joel sighs. “It’s fine, you don’t have to tell me. I’ll just be over here, crying.”

To further tease me, he runs off to the opposite side of the street and makes exaggerated crying noises. I can’t help but laugh.

“Come back here, you idiot!” I yell. “I’ll tell you if you come back.”

Joel immediately stops being an embarrassment and returns to my side. “What did he say?”

“Uh… he asked me for your number.”

Joel had a legitimately shocked look on his face, but for the sake of the bit, he gasped. “Oh, my God. And what did you do?”

“I… told him you’re straight?”

Joel does an exaggerated white girl hair flip. “You know me too well.”

I bury my face in my hands. “You are… so dumb.”

“Spot on with the observations today, best friend,” Joel says, lisping.

He runs ahead like a child and turns around, walking backwards.

I facepalm. “What’s gotten into you?”

“Not alcohol, that’s for sure!” Joel quips.

“This is how you act when you’re _sober_?” I ask sarcastically.

Joel stops walking in the middle of the sidewalk, and when I catch up to him, he leans down to my level and looks me in the eyes. “Unfortunately for you.” Then he runs ahead again.

 _God, he’s cute,_ I think to myself. _Maybe Jake is right. Maybe I_ can _try to do something tonight…_

“Just you wait until we get back into the apartment. I don’t plan on getting absolutely wasted but I’m not going to bed sober.”

“Same!” Joel says in a high-pitched voice.

 _What the fuck is wrong with him,_ I think. _He’s amazing._


	7. No Officer, I Have Not Drank a Single Alcohol In My Life

I slide the glass door to the balcony shut behind me and hand Joel a glass.

“All done. Here you go.”

“That was quick,” Joel comments. He’s sitting in a relaxed position on the floor. 

I don’t own any chairs for this area, because I've never used it before. So I improvised and brought two blankets outside for us to sit on.

“Thanks for this. It’s really cozy,” Joel says, looking out at the neighborhood a few stories below. The sun is setting, but we’re facing the wrong way to see it. We can only watch as the shadow of my apartment complex slowly overtake the nearby buildings.

I sigh as I sit down, wrapping myself in my blanket. I’m not particularly cold, but it’s starting to get dark and the breeze is getting cooler by the minute. “Yeah. It’s been  _ years  _ since I’ve done something low-key like this.”

“It’s even better with a good friend, yeah?” Joel says, sipping his drink. “Ooh, damn. This is really good.”

“Thanks. It’s pretty simple, if you want to make it yourself,” I say.

Joel takes another sip. “When I’m drinking alone, I’m more of a beer kinda guy. But thanks for offering.”

I grimace over my drink. “Sometimes I forget that you live alone, with how much work you do and how many friends you have.”

“I talk to a lot of people, you’re right. I like making friends and bringing them together.”

“Have you ever regretted being so friendly?”

Joel gives me a weird look. “I don’t know what you mean by that…”

“What I mean is… has being a welcoming person ever backfired?”

“Ah, I see. Uh…” Joel swirls his drink in his glass. “I’ve had to cut off association with some people. I’ve been involved with people who’ve been cancelled, and getting cancelled because of association is a very real thing.”

“I assume those people did something that deserved their careers being ended?” I ask, leaning closer to him.

Joel grunts in agreement. “Oh, yeah. They did some terrible stuff. I never knew about it, obviously.”

“So what did you do with your association? Were you in videos or anything like that with them?”

“Rarely. And if I was, I privated them. They’ll probably never see the light of day again.”

“Damn…”

“Keeping a good reputation on the Internet in this day and age is incredibly difficult. I was lucky to be someone who rarely did personality-based content, and when I did, it was just awkward cringe. But I feel for the people who said something  _ years  _ ago and they’re  _ just now  _ getting cancelled. There isn’t always recovering from a situation like that.”

“Yeah, because someone can go back and dig up basically anything. Have you had anything resurface that you don’t like?” I ask.

Joel sighs. “Like I said before, some of it is just pure cringe, but people have reuploaded some stuff involving Beth, and… it just hurts sometimes. Like, I’m over her. Shit happens. But seeing all that come back up is rough.”

“I can imagine…” I gently put my hand on his back. “Even with shitheads like that who dig up old news, you’re still a strong and hard-working person.”

Joel looks at me and smiles sadly. “Yeah. Life still goes on.”

I put my drink next to me and give him a small hug. “You made it here. That’s what matters.”

“And I’m thankful for that.” We separate, and he looks down at his drink. “Could you make me another? That was really good.”

“Absolutely. One second.” I get out from underneath my blanket and take his glass before leaving the balcony.

_ I don’t even have to  _ try  _ to get him drunk,  _ I think to myself, before physically freezing.  _ What the fuck is that thought process? That’s messed up. _

I shake my head and start mixing another drink.  _ Just talk to him for now. If he makes a move, make a move. If I make a move… _

I don’t know where this situation is going, but I figure that I'll just have to roll with the punches.

I finish the drink and go back to the balcony. I nearly sit down before I realize that Joel stole my blanket and is currently peeking out at me from underneath it.

I laugh. “Are you really that cold?”

“No, these blankets are just nice,” he responds.

I place his drink on the ground next to him. “I’ll go get another one…”

“No, we can just sit on mine and share yours. Don’t have to get any extras this way.”

“Uh… alright. I guess that makes sense,” I say slowly, taking my blanket from him.

He shifts and spreads the blanket out in a wide berth beneath him, and then pats it. “Done!”

I sit down, trying to keep a safe distance between us, even though I'd love to be closer. “Okay…”

Joel takes his half of the blanket and puts it over his shoulder. I mirror him, then hand him his drink.

“Ah… beautiful!” he says, sipping his drink.

I hold out my drink. “To good friends?”

He hits his glass against mine. “To  _ great _ friends.”

We sit in silence for several minutes, both sipping our drinks and watching as the shadows overtake the neighborhood. The nearby streetlamps begin to turn on and the cool breeze whistles around the complex walls. The small drop in temperature causes me to feel Joel’s body warmth, and it takes every ounce of my self-control to resist leaning closer.

“The night is so beautiful,” Joel comments. “I’m glad I’m here.”

“I realize now that I haven’t utilized this space nearly enough,” I reply.

“I don’t know what I’m gonna be doing once I leave here,” he says. I can’t really pick out his facial expressions anymore, as it’s far past sunset and we’re in the shadows, but his tone doesn’t sound happy. “I’ve enjoyed our time so much… I’m gonna be so sad when I have to leave.”

“Aww, that’s so nice. I’m gonna be sad too.”

Joel hangs his head and sighs. “I’ve been alone a lot lately, and… I don’t think I’ve told you how much I appreciate our friendship. Like, how much it’s helped me.”

“I think I can take a decent guess,” I say.

“No, I think you sell the importance of our relationship short,” Joel says. The conviction in his voice surprises me.

“Do I?”

“It’s hard to explain. You obviously are capable of taking me seriously, and you  _ do _ … I just…” Joel pauses, then shakes his head. “Sorry. I don’t know what I’m saying.”

I’m thoroughly confused, but I try not to let it show in my voice. “You can tell me anything.”

“You’ve changed my life. And that may sound dramatic, but… if you’re going to listen to me at all, listen to me now. You’re amazing. And you need to act like you are.”

A shock goes down my spine. I don’t know what to do or say.

“Shit… oversharing,” Joel says, reaching up to his face. “Sorry, I don’t know what’s gotten into me.”

“Alcohol?” I offer, smiling.

Joel sniffs. “Yeah, gonna need more after that monologue.”

I give Joel another hug, longer than the last one. “There’s nothing that I can say that can show how thankful I am for you.”

Joel pats my back twice before letting go. “A hug is good enough for me.”


	8. Intoxicated and Filled With Zest For Existence

The hard floor of the balcony was beginning to make our backs ache, and the blanket wasn’t providing enough padding for our comfort. We agreed to go back inside, but we didn’t want to just sit around.

“How safe is your neighborhood?” Joel asks, fiddling with a fidget toy I keep near my desk. I can tell he’s a little intoxicated, like myself. His attention span is much shorter than usual.

“Pretty safe. I go out pretty often by myself on nighttime walks and there are usually other people as well. Haven’t been murdered yet!” I say cheerfully.

“Astute observation,” he says. “Let’s go on a walk.”

I gasp with realization. “There’s a park with a playground! I’ll take you there.”

“Let’s go,” Joel says, already putting his shoes on.

“One second! I have a special treat,” I say, running into the kitchen.

Joel grunts. “What is it?”

I grab a box off the counter and hand it to him. “Surprise! They’re a couple days old but I haven’t opened them yet. I bought them mostly for myself but I’m glad I saved them.”

He opens the box a tiny crack and smells it. He looks at me with a huge smile on his face. “You know me too well.”

“Cinnamon buns, fresh from the bakery,” I say, pointing at him. “Well, about as fresh as two days old can get.”

“I won’t eat any until we get to the park,” he says.

I raise an eyebrow at him. “Are you sure?”

“No, that was an absolute lie.”

I laugh loudly. “Alright. Let me get my shoes.”

I put on my shoes while Joel stares a hole into the box of cinnamon buns.

“C’mon, _Cinnaboy_. Let’s get going.” I blow past him and go out the door.

A long delay occurs as he catches up with me and processes what I just said. “...The _fuck_ did you just call me?”

I giggle. “Sorry, that was big cringe.”

“Yes, but it was also…” he pauses again. “I don’t even know.”

I don’t respond, but merely grin at him over my shoulder.

We walk around the neighborhood, down the same direction as the liquor store from before, but it looks like an entirely different area at night.

The only source of light is from nearby houses and stores, and the occasional streetlamp. It casts a shifting white glow on Joel and I as we walk at a comfortable pace towards the park.

I hear chewing and a muffled complaint as he struggles to eat and carry the box at the same time. “Do you want me to take that?”

“Mhm,” he says, handing me the box. “You’re a good friend.”

“Only the best of friends carry a box full of cinnamon buns for you, while you eat a cinnamon bun.”

“Take one, then!” Joel says, taking another bite.

“Then we wouldn’t have anyone to carry the box!” I exclaim.

Joel gestures dismissively. I roll my eyes at him.

A few minutes later, we arrive at the park. I shove the box of cinnamon buns into his hands. “Last one to the top of the playground is a rotten egg!” I say before taking off running.

Joel hesitates before taking off as well. “Wait, what does that mean?!”

I race up the stairs, Joel on my heels. He tries to push past me a couple of times, but doesn’t succeed.

“Ha! I beat you!”

“Am I a rotten egg now? Is that bad?” Joel asks.

“It’s just an expression. Rotten eggs are stinky, and nobody wants to be stinky, so you just say it before racing or something,” I explain.

I can’t quite see Joel’s expression, but he seems confused. “Okay. Sure. I’m a rotten egg.”

“No, it’s-” I laugh in the middle of my sentence. “You’re fine. Just give me a cinnamon bun.”

He opens the box and gives me one. “It’s dark.”

“So?” I ask, licking the frosting off my fingers before digging in.

“I’ll get us some light.”

He pulls out his phone and turns on the flashlight. “It’s at the lowest setting so we don’t go blind.”

There’s barely enough room for both of us to sit cross legged at the top of the playground, but we do so anyway. Our knees overlap slightly and press against each other as we both continue eating. 

“I want to watch memes,” I declare. “I’m in a meme playlist mood.”

Joel picks up his phone, which is currently emitting a small, white light, and turns it off. “I got you.”

I turn my body so that we’re both facing the same way. Our shoulders are pressed together, but at this point, I can’t bring myself to care. “I’m excited.”

He pulls up the playlist and holds for us to watch. “Here we go.”

* * *

A tear is squeezed out of my eye as I begin another bout of laughter. “Oh my fucking God, that’s incredible.”

“Who thought of this?!” Joel asks incredulously.

“A genius,” I say, enthralled by the screen. It suddenly goes black, and the play button appears.

“Oh, is that the end?” he says, tapping off the video. “Looks like it.”

“I love it, that was amazing.” I wipe the tears off my face and sniff.

“Are you _crying_?” he asks.

“They’re good memes, okay?” I say, laughing again.

“Too spicy for _you_ , I guess,” Joel teases.

I stand up and stretch. “I’m gonna go down the slide.”

“Do it!” Joel cheers.

I grab the bar over the slide hole and swing myself through, launching myself down the slide. I whoop in delight as I go down, and land roughly on my feet at the bottom.

I laugh and sit at the bottom for a second, before I hear some bumping in the slide. I scramble out of the way and narrowly miss getting kicked in the butt by Joel, who followed me a little too closely.

“Whoops, sorry,” Joel apologizes, getting out of the slide.

“That was a close call…” I mutter. I glance across the park, scanning the surroundings.

I don’t see much, besides a poorly-kept basketball court. The only source of light for this park is in the court, a lonely outdoor lamp. Something looks magical about it, something… poetic.

I walk towards the court, dazzled by this singular light.

“Gonna go shoot some hoops?” Joel asks jokingly, jogging after me.

I pull my phone out of my pocket and look for a specific song in my playlist. “This light reminds me of this…”

“Reminds you of what? And how the hell can a light remind you of something?”

“Just a song.”

I play a song on my playlist and put it back in my pocket. I walk into the soft orange light of the lamp.

I grin widely as the song starts to pick up, and I begin to dance.

Now, I am no dancer. I’ve never been good at dancing, but this song never failed to make me happy.

I swing my arms back and forth and lip sync the words, glancing back at Joel. He’s staring at me in confusion.

“What are you doing?”

“Dancing,” I reply.

“No, I see _that_ , but-”

“Come join me!”

Joel shakes his head. “We both know how that ends up.”

“Look at how shit I am at dancing. Come on.”

He hangs his head slightly and smiles sheepishly. “That’s a very bad idea.”

I walk over to him and take his hand. The slight wooziness of the alcohol in my bloodstream is numbing down the normal feeling of hesitation, and it's manifesting itself in confidence, whether it's well-placed or not. “We’re both embarrassingly bad. We balance each other out.”

“That’s not how that works.”

I tug lightly on his hand. “Please?”

He exhales deeply. “Alright.”

I make a small, excited sound. I bring him into the center of the light and let go before breaking into a spin.

He starts swaying back and forth to the music. “You’ve sent me this song before.”

“Did I?” I ask, before throwing him an imaginary microphone.

He rolls his eyes before catching it, and gives me some sarcastic jazz hands. “Yeah. I always listen to it when I’m feeling sad.”

“Same,” I say, bopping back and forth.

“We look like idiots,” he says, laughing.

“It’s okay if we do,” I say.

Joel does a ridiculous move, which makes me burst out laughing.

“You _just_ said it’s okay,” he accuses lightheartedly.

“I can’t help it, it was funny,” I say.

He then does a very exaggerated, very clumsy whip, which nearly makes me fall over laughing.

“Stop, you’re going to kill me,” I say before doing an extremely satire deep dab.

Joel cackles loudly. “Ew, what is that?”

“What were _you_ doing, huh?!” I retort. My ribs hurt from laughing too hard.

The song begins to wind down, and we’re both leaning over with laughter. Our faces are extremely close, and I nearly don’t notice.

He puts a hand on my shoulder, and I do the same, as we continue laughing raucously. The song stops and we’re still laughing, both wiping tears out of our streaming eyes.

“What the fuck is our friendship,” Joel says.

“Something else,” I reply, hugging him.


	9. Being Sober Doesn’t Make You Smart, Neither Does Being Drunk

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Early upload because I'm busy tomorrow. Enjoy!

Our walk back to the apartment is filled with laughter and stumbling around. While we are both decently intoxicated, we’re not _drunk_. What we are is _ridiculous_.

“I’ve not been this laughter drunk in a while,” Joel says as we walk up to my apartment door.

“Me neither,” I say, giggling as I fumble my keys. “Shit.”

Joel picks them up for me and jingles them a bit before giving them back. “I don’t know, maybe we _are_ drunk-drunk.”

“Or just idiots,” I suggest, opening the door.

Joel goes in first, and I close it behind us before sliding down the door, overtaken by another fit of laughter. I see Joel chuckle as he takes his shoes off and leans against the wall.

“Oh, God,” I say, hiccupping. “This is so dumb.”

Joel’s shoulders shake silently. After a few seconds, he holds his hand out to me. “Come on up, I’ve still gotta drink this microbrew.”

“Oh shit, you’re right,” I say, taking his hand. He pulls me up, but maintains eye contact the entire time. Our noses nearly brush on the way up, and he continues eye contact for another beat before turning away.

I feel my face heat up, but don’t say anything.

“Where are your beer glasses?” he asks. I hear him open a cupboard.

“Second from the left, on the top,” I answer, rubbing my face.

“Got it.”

I walk into the kitchen and sit at the island. He pours himself a glass and takes a huge gulp of it.

“Gonna spare me some, or are you gonna binge that shit?” I ask.

Joel raises an eyebrow at me. “Sorry, I was thirsty.” He promptly begins pouring me a glass. It wasn’t a big bottle of beer, so it was already nearly gone.

“So, is this the first time you’ve tried something like this?” I ask, taking a test sip.

Joel shakes his head and puts his glass down. He’s already drained a quarter of it. “Definitely not. I usually keep light beers in my house, but if I go out, I’ll get something nicer like this.”

“Oh, so we’re the opposite. I drink light beers at parties, but at home, I drink the good shit,” I tease.

“See, I’m not trying to get _wasted_ at home,” Joel says.

“Safer to be wasted here than in a random place you don’t know,” I reply.

“I don’t go out by myself, I’m always with friends.”

“Ah, what a liberty. Having _friends_ ,” I say dreamily.

“Shut up, I’m standing right here,” Joel scolds.

“I know, I’m just being an ass.”

“So, how was your first time drunk?” Joel asks, taking a long drink from his glass.

“Oh, God… I don’t remember most of it. I only know what my friends told me. Well, friends in the most loose sense. Basically, I went to a party in high school. I must’ve been eighteen or so, in my last year of high school. But the party had a campfire, and it was all fine for a while, until it really hit me. I started saying something about someone following me, and I was freaking a bunch of people out at the party, so I basically got shunned until I left. I went and sat in my friend’s car for like, two hours. I remember being asleep for most of that time, but apparently, I threw up in the host’s mailbox at some point. And yeah. I went home. Needless to say, I didn’t drink for the rest of high school.”

Joel inhaled sharply. “Damn, that’s pretty bad. You’ve heard my story.”

“Yeah, yours is crazy. High school really sucked for both of us, didn’t it?”

“High school sucks for a lot of successful people,” Joel says, throwing the rest of his drink back.

“You drank that _hella_ fast. You sure you’re not an alcoholic?”

“I’m sure,” Joel says, pouring most of the bottle into his glass.

“So I talked about my first time drunk, tell me about your first high school relationship.”

Joel nearly chokes on his drink. “Oh, God. Well… I was really lonely back then. So the fact that a girl was interested in me was mind-blowing. And I didn’t see the glaringly obvious warning signs of a toxic relationship back then. She would pull me away from my work or what I really needed to do to hang out with her or have dates. She was just generally clingy, and I didn’t know that was a bad thing, because that kind of situation is romanticized, in a weird way. But yeah. She dumped me.”

“Damn, she dumped _you?”_ _Mistake on her part,_ I think.

“Yep. Like I said, toxic relationship. I could never give enough.”

“Makes sense.”

“What about you?” Joel asks. “Did you have a relationship in high school?”

“Yeah, actually. My ex and I started dating just before we graduated. We went to art school and everything together, moved in together, the whole nine yards. So, because we went to art school together, we were poor together. And that’s where all the problems started.

“He started to get super controlling over everything I did, including what kinds of food I ate, claiming that I ate too much and that I was wasting money. If I bought anything frivolous, which in his eyes, was anything that wasn’t from the local supermarket, he would yell at me for an hour straight. I felt trapped for years on end. But some unknown factor kept me going. I still don’t know why I did.

“And then I left. I saved up enough money on my own and moved here. I don’t know why I didn’t do it sooner, but I’m glad I did. But I wish I’d stayed closer to Brighton, honestly.”

Joel stares at me for a long moment, then sighs. “He probably would’ve found you if you’d stayed nearby.”

I shift in my seat slightly. “Yeah.”

“But that’s why you moved? To get away from him?” Joel asks.

“Yeah. I suppose I’ve never explicitly said that. But yeah.”

“I didn’t know that until now. I remember feeling sad when you moved, if that’s any consolation,” he says, smiling sadly at me.

“It’s alright. It worked out.”

“Yeah, I guess,” Joel agrees half-heartedly.

An awkward silence fills the air as neither of us know what to say. I sip at my beer until I hear Joel clear his throat.

“What did you think of me when you first met me?” he asks.

I smile as I remember the feelings I got from our first talks. “I thought you were charming, but not in a normal way. You’re very subtle. And… unintentionally cool. You had an air of mystery about you because you didn’t talk as much as the others, but you’re also expressive.” I chuckle lowly. “I thought you were the most dangerous because you’re the one who listened instead of speaking out.”

“Okay, first of all, thank you, everything you’ve said is very flattering, but _bullshit._ ”

“We’ve agreed that the first meeting doesn’t count!”

“No, tell me your _real_ first impression,” Joel says laughingly.

“Fine. You really wanna hear it?”

“Yes!” Joel says enthusiastically, obviously not caring that I'm going to tell him something that isn't socially acceptable.

“I thought you were a stuck-up asshole. And maybe, just maybe, I was correct.”

Joel cackles and leans on his hand, which is propped up on the counter. “Yes, you were.”

He looks absolutely adorable right now, and I feel my heart melt a little bit.

“What did you think of me, then?” I ask, trying to keep the conversation moving so I don't say something stupid on accident.

Joel stands up to refill his glass with the small amount of beer left over. He’s standing right behind me, and he doesn’t turn around when I ask him. “Well…”

“Come on, be honest.”

“You were remarkably easy to talk to, which I was surprised by. And you were interesting in a ‘you probably know more than I do’ way. And then you moved away. I was lucky to get my hands on your Discord, I had to ask a friend of a friend of a friend.”

I can feel my heart pounding. I didn’t know any of these opinions before now, and I certainly didn’t know that he had to pursue my Discord username.

“I thought I said _first_ impression,” I say, turning to face him. "You bash _me_ for not saying my first impression, and then you do the same thing..."

Joel sighs. His eyes are getting less focused by the second. He’s mostly there, but not entirely. “I don’t know… intimidating?”

“Intimidating?” I ask, confused. I finish my drink and stand up. “Share the last few drops with me.”

“Alright,” he says, filling about an eighth of a glass. “And it was like you drew attention even though you were pretty quiet. Just the way you acted was attractive…”

I inhale sharply. “What?”

Joel’s eyes widen. “Uh-”

All of my movements and thoughts are moving at the speed of molasses. I feel like ice cold water has been dumped over my head. “Wait, no, I’m sorry. Wrong reaction. I mean-”

On the other hand, Joel’s suddenly acting like a scared cat. Shoulders raised, no longer relaxed. His eyes follow my every move and seek out an escape, if needed. His reaction incriminates that he said something that he didn't mean to.

_He did_ not _just admit that I looked attractive._

_And now he's acting jumpy._

_Oh, God_.

I desperately try to let him know that I'm not mad by holding my hands out in an open gesture. “Okay, so, you’re an amazing friend of mine-” 

Joel flinches at my word choice, making me grimace.

“I-I can-”

“Sorry, no, one second," I interrupt. _This alcohol had better give me the courage I need right now_. "You’re an amazing _person_ , and you’re a constant inspiration. Growing alongside you these past few months has been incredible. I’m glad, no, I’m thankful. For you. I’m grateful for you every day. And... I like you. A lot.”

Joel relaxes gradually, and with my last few words, more and more of a smile settles onto his face. He leans against the counter a little bit and bites his lip, tilting his head slightly to one side before taking both my hands in his own.

His gaze is transfixed on anything that isn't me, and I can tell he’s having a highly emotional moment. “First of all, I’m sorry for outing myself so suddenly and not being upfront about it. I’ve kinda been leaving you in the dark, and that isn’t fair of me. Secondly, thank you _so_ much. For having me, an idiot, in an unfamiliar place. We made memories here. We are… currently… making a memory. I don’t know what the fuck is happening, honestly, but…”

I start to tear up. “Me neither, it’s alright.”

“But seriously. I can’t thank you enough for this,” he wears an expression of positive apprehension and squeezes my hands slightly.

I look down. My face is extremely warm, and the tension in the air is nearly unbearable. “I-it’s no problem…”

Joel stoops down a little bit and makes eye contact before giving me a peck on the lips.

I'm hardly expecting it, so my reaction is delayed by a _lot_. Joel just stands there, studying me with those big, blue eyes, waiting for me to make a decision.

I blink once, twice, three times. I jolt back a tiny bit as the realization hits me, and then the happiness of reciprocated feelings radiates throughout my body.

Joel is still waiting, moments later, for any sort of action on my part. I look down at his lips and smile.

“This is amazing,” I say as I lean in for another kiss.

Joel’s hands move to my waist as he continues kissing me, the pressure of his lips moving in synchronization with my own. He brings me closer so I can feel the warmth of his body, making me smile through the kiss.

We break the kiss, and he hugs me close, rocking back and forth slightly. A long-faded emotion rises from the depths of my memories, a feeling of euphoria and nostalgia, wrapped into one situation. And our bodies... it’s like they mesh together perfectly. The way his arms wrap around me, how he rests his cheek on my head, and the sensation of his fingertips playing gently at the fabric of my shirt paints a beautiful mental image. Every part of him and the way he treats me makes me feel special, even though I know I'm not the first one he's done this with.

“Just so we can get this out of the way, you like me _for sure_ , right?” Joel asks. I can hear his voice rumble in his chest, and it comforts me.

“Yes, you idiot,” I say, giggling. "I already told you that."

“Okay, well, I like you too.”


	10. Finally, Something We Can Do Other Than Talk

I tug on Joel’s hand. “Can we not kiss in the kitchen? Every surface is uncomfortable in this place.”

“Agreed.” Joel follows me as I lead him to the couch.

He sits down and holds his arms out. “Come here.”

I straddle him and kiss him deeply. He cups my face as I run my hands down his chest.

“You’re so beautiful,” he says, looking up at me and smiling.

I plant another kiss on his lips. “And you are too.”

He makes a rumbly, content noise. “So, how long have you been holding this back?”

I lean on his shoulder, and he hugs me close once again. “Well, I’ve had a big fat crush on you for like, six months. I was at the point where I thought it was never going to happen. Even now, it feels like a dream.”

“Weird, I thought the same,” Joel says, kissing me on the cheek. “Okay, seeing as tonight has gone a _way_ different direction than I thought it as going to-”

Joel’s sentence cut off in an odd way. I sit up and look him in the eyes. “What’s wrong, babe?”

I don't know what motivated me to say something so forward, but he reacts positively. “Ooh, I like it when you call me that. But uh… I was going to ask how far you’re willing to go.”

My eyes cloud over for a second. I want him _really_ badly. We're both willing, consenting adults, but is everything happening too fast? “Um… let’s just… see what happens.”

Joel shakes his head slightly. “I don’t want you to feel pressured to do anything, so that’s why I’m asking.”

“I trust you with my _life,_ Joel. I’ve never trusted anyone as much as I trust you.”

He hums slightly, then gives me another kiss. “Alright. I’ll make sure to check in often.”

“And I respect you for that,” I say, smiling.

I feel like I know where this night is going, and I’m not opposed to it. It’s only a matter of time before I find out what will happen.

I lean down and press my lips to his, really trying to get a feel for what he has to offer. He’s definitely more experienced than I am. Every touch and caress of his screams multiple partners, which doesn’t bother me at all. He makes me feel like I can do anything, and he'll accommodate for my lack of awareness.

Joel’s hands drift down my waist and legs, before going back up to my face. “Is there anything that I shouldn’t do or touch?”

I reach my hand up to his neck and rest it there, not putting any pressure on. “Hm… don’t yell at me, hit me, or anything like that. I’d just like for it to be low-key.”

“Cozy?” he asks.

“Yeah. Cozy,” I say.

“I can do cozy.”

He brushes his lips over my cheek and goes down to my neck. Every kiss on the sensitive skin makes me arch my back a little bit more.

His hands, while never seeming to keep still, seem to finally come to rest on my ass, resting there as his mouth does all the work.

I sigh in anticipation as he removes his mouth from my neck and goes in for another long kiss.

“I wonder how much of this is the alcohol,” he says between kisses.

I lean back and brush my hair out of my face. “Probably just enough.”

Joel suddenly moves his hands back to my waist and gently pushes me off to the side, so I’m sitting next to him.

“I like being on your level. Lets me see you better.”

“Are you sure that’s good?” I ask playfully. “One day you’ll get sick of this face.”

“For now, it is,” Joel teases back, reaching for my face once more.

I lean in for yet another long, drawn-out kiss. With every new wave of the kiss, a bit more of Joel’s tongue ends up in my mouth. One of his hands drifts down to my breasts, and he stops the kiss to look me in the eyes.

“Is this okay?” he asks.

“Yes, now kiss me you fucking Swede.”

“Yes, ma’am.”

His hand cups my breast and I moan quietly.

“Perfect,” he rumbles before kissing at my neck again.

A pressure that I can’t explain builds up in my ribcage, like unreleased energy. The sensation of Joel playing with my tits alongside his perfect mouth at my throat is like nothing I’ve ever experienced.

“Oh, God Joel…” I say mindlessly.

He slips his hand under my shirt and plays at my lower back, making me squirm impatiently.

“Just wait, babe,” he says, pulling away. “Don’t want to rush this _too_ much.”

A darkness that I haven’t seen before settles into his eyes. A kind of darkness that tells me that he is more than willing to wait longer than necessary for anything good to come his way.

I shift further away and take my shirt off, throwing it behind me. I watch as his eyes rake up and down my body, first in disbelief, then in intrigue.

“I like to live in the moment. But I also like to have my own handle on things.”

I reach for the back of Joel’s head and gently push him into my chest. He’s shocked and aroused, but he gets to work.

He unclips my bra on the third try and takes it off, slowly revealing my full breasts to him. He lets out a long, deep exhale.

“Wow…”

“You can admire them later,” I say, annoyed. I firmly press the back of his head, pushing his mouth onto my left nipple, which he begins to suck on immediately.

The effect is instantaneous. I throw my head back and moan, pulling on his hair slightly.

His tongue circles around the sensitive bud, and every repetition is a new bolt of pleasure that goes right between my legs. My entire body is buzzing with excitement.

His other hand plays with the breast that he’s not giving his full attention to, and I try to find some place to put my own hand.

After a few minutes, Joel halts his current endeavor to sit back up and reconnect with my mouth.

“Mmm, you have too many clothes on,” I complain.

Joel considers my comment and gives me a peck on the lips before standing up. “You’re right.”

He takes his shirt and pants off, sparing only his boxers. I can’t help but notice the tent in the fabric.

Now, you might expect me to say that he has a crazy six-pack of abs and incredibly muscular shoulders, but he doesn’t. He’s a slim, decently fit dude of an average height. All in all, it makes me feel more comfortable to see that he’s just a… _guy_. He’s not a sex symbol by any means, which takes a lot of pressure off of me.

He crosses his arms self-consciously. “I’m not much, but I’m here.”

“No, you’re everything,” I say softly. “What do you need?”

Joel kneels next to the couch. “You.”

My heart melts. He looks so innocent, sitting on the ground, looking up at me. But at the same time, I want him all over me, devouring me.

“Aww, how cute,” I say, brushing his hair out of his face for him.

He leans into my hand slightly and smiles contentedly. “Is it alright if we move into the bedroom?”

“Absolutely,” I say, standing up and swaying my hips as I go into my room. I hear him stand up and follow.

“Have I told you that you’re beautiful yet?” he asks, hugging me from behind. I can feel his hardness at my ass, and I can’t say I’m complaining.

“Yes, but I wouldn’t mind hearing it more,” I push back into him ever so slightly, making him inhale sharply. “Let me level the playing field.”

I slide my pants off, trying to give him a bit of a show. He sits down on my bed and watches my every move, entranced.

I stand in front of him, basically naked, and I start to lose my nerve. Every action of ours has been motivated by impulse and loneliness. I begin to shy away from him, and it doesn’t take him long to notice.

“What’s wrong, babe?” he asks, tilting his head to one side. When I don’t answer, he stands up. “Hey, are you alright?”

“Nervous…” I mutter, holding out my arms to him. “I never thought this would happen, and we’re here so fast.”

Joel envelops me in his arms, talking into my neck. I can feel his hot breath with every word. “I don’t usually go this fast. It’s been years since I have. But… I’m okay with it. Because I know you. And we have something special.”

I run my fingers over his back, taking in the sensation of his skin. “Yeah… I’ve almost forgotten what it feels like to be loved.”

Joel softly presses a kiss to my neck, not to be provocative, but as a sympathetic gesture. “It’s hard to remember in dark times like these.”

I sigh. “The times may be dark, but you’ve reminded me how it feels.”

Joel gently grabs my face and swipes a thumb over my cheek. He leans forward, and I’m expecting a kiss, but he simply leans his forehead against my own. “You amaze me a little bit more every moment I spend with you.”

I smile and give him a peck on the lips before taking his hand. “Do you have a condom?”

Joel perks up a little bit. “Yeah, it’s in my wallet. I’ll be right back.”

He leaves the room for a second, so I take the opportunity to lay on the bed. I simply lay on my back, playing with the covers at my fingertips. I don’t try to position myself in a “sexy” way (I’m too nervous), but the feeling of the bed beneath me is comforting in its own way.

Joel walks back into the room, foil packet gripped between two of his fingers. He stops at the sight of me and bites his lip. “Damn…”

I put my hands over my breasts and look away, blushing. The way his eyes rake over me every time he looks at me is incredibly hot.

He crawls onto the bed and looms over the top of me. His bottom lip is still being tugged between his teeth, and he looks deep into my eyes, like he’s searching for something.

“Are you alright?” he asks, arms on both sides of my head, caging me in. I don’t feel threatened, but merely overwhelmed with the circumstance.

I nod slightly before puckering my lips at him. He smirks and fulfills my silent request, kissing me firmly.

Our rhythm begins again, a push and pull of kisses. The kisses begin getting longer and deeper, and Joel’s tongue is consistently pushing at my own. His right hand plays at my nipples again, occasionally giving them a small pinch or tug.

My stomach is quivering from all the stimulation and I start whimpering from all of the pleasure.

“Those noises you make,” Joel mutters between a kiss, “they’re so hot…”

I reach around him and make light scratches at his back. “Joel, please…”

He nibbles at my lip once before leaning back, taking in my image.

I glance down at my breasts, and, just as I expected, they’re already red and slightly bruised. But I don’t hate it.

“Do you like my work so far?” he asks, brushing his fingertips on my inner thigh. I shiver at the touch.

“Douchebag,” I whisper through gritted teeth, grabbing at his wrist.

Joel clicks his tongue. “Very impatient. I guess I’ll give you what you want.”

He cups my breast once gently, drags his hand down my stomach, and comes to rest at my panties. He looks up at me for approval, and I nod at him.

He slides my panties off and throws them to the side. I blush furiously, as I now have nothing to hide from him.

“Beautiful, as always,” he says, sliding a single finger up my slit. I gasp in surprise.

Joel then dips a single finger into my hole, making me moan.

“So wet… and it’s all for me?” Joel asks cockily. He leans down, but doesn’t do anything. The feeling of anticipation and the throbbing pleasure between my legs makes me groan.

“Joel…” I say, reaching out for him.

I feel his finger penetrate me again, and my initial instinct is to move away, but the pleasure steals the breath out of my lungs.

His other hand pushes my hips down as he continues his work. He curls his finger slightly inside of me and I let out a choked noise.

My body craves his touch, but yet, none of this is enough for me. I want more. I want to be consumed by whatever feeling this is.

“More,” I demand, panting.

Joel says nothing, but simply adds another finger. He pumps them in and out a couple times before curling them like he did before.

Every movement of his fingers sets my nerves on fire in the best possible way. My instincts want me to curl up and shy away, but I’d probably shrivel up and die if Joel wasn’t touching me right now.

“Oh, God!” I moan loudly. He looks up at me and smirks.

And then he takes his fingers out.

I heave a breath and whine as he moves away.

“Where are you going?”

“Just grabbing this, babe,” he says, tearing open the condom wrapper.

I grumble lowly as I make grabby hands towards him. “Get closer to me. I miss you already.”

Joel looks at me, looks at his boxers, and then looks back at me. “You want to get close?”

I realize what he’s implying and immediately sit up.

“If that’s okay with you,” I say sheepishly, trying not to blatantly look at his bulge.

He raises an eyebrow and smiles. “Have at it.”

I break eye contact with him and look at the tent in his boxers. My hand hovers over it for a second before I grab it gently and run my thumb over the tip.

Joel hisses through his teeth briefly, and I stop. “No, keep going. You’re doing great.”

I repeat the motion and continue, squeezing his cock through his boxers.

“Oh, Jesus…” he groans.

I palm him firmly a few more times before pulling his boxers down, releasing his fully hardened cock.

I make eye contact with Joel, whose eyes are currently half-lidded. “Is there anything you’d like me to do, babe?”

He sighs and puts his hand on the top of my head, tugging at my hair gently. “Do what you’re comfortable with.”

I shrug slightly and spit on my hand. I kiss the head of his cock, and look up at Joel, who is still watching me. I slip the tip into my mouth and swirl my tongue around it, causing him to moan.

The musical sounds of his voice bring me a different kind of pleasure. I begin to seek out ways to get those noises out of his; taking more of his length into my mouth, fondling his balls briefly, and sucking on just the tip while stroking with both hands.

His grip on my hair gets tighter suddenly, and he pulls me away from him.

“Holy shit,” he says, wiping at his forehead.

“Was that good?” I ask. “I’m probably out of practice but-”

“You did amazing. Now let me.”

He gets the condom out of the previously opened package and rolls it onto his cock, which has been teased for far too long at this point. 

“Now…” Joel says, taking one of my hands in his own. “Are you sure you want to do this?”

I sneer playfully at him. “All the foreplay just to say ‘no’? I don’t think so.”

“Good,” Joel says. He keeps a firm grip on my hand but pushes me onto my back with his other hand. He then pins the hand he’s holding above my head.

I spread my legs for him involuntarily as his face gets closer and closer to mine.

“Just tell me if it ever becomes too much,” he says. He’s starting to line himself up already.

I think for a moment. “I’ll say something… uh, ‘pinball’?”

Joel nods silently before kissing me sloppily.

“You ready?” he asks, resting the tip of his cock against my entrance.

I bite my lip. “Yeah.”

He pushes into me slowly, and my vision is clouded with pleasure. My mouth opens and a long string of curses comes out as he stops.

I’m full of him. He’s completely inside me. And I can’t get enough of it.

He hugs me close and pulls out slowly, before pushing back in with more force. Stars begin to pop up in my vision as I try to breathe.

“Oh my _fucking_ God, Joel,” I say, digging my nails into his back.

He moans into my ear. “F-fuck…”

I begin bucking my hips, begging for more. More touching, more caressing, more kissing.

More Joel.

He begins picking up the pace. Every thrust awakens a part of me I didn’t know exists. He removes his hand from my wrist and begins to tap at my clit, making me scream with pleasure.

“Holy SHIT!”

He picks up one of my legs and puts it over his shoulder, allowing him to get even deeper inside of me. His cock penetrates me and pleasures me in such a way that I’ve never felt. He keeps changing his angle until he finds _exactly_ where I want it.

My vision blurs as he drills into that place that I beg for him to hit. He’s panting hard and beginning to become sloppy, but he makes up for it in effort.

“Joel, there! Please, make me come. I need you to-”

“I will babe, don’t worry,” he reassures me.

The sounds of skin slapping skin, the smell of sex, and the feeling of being railed into the mattress is all beginning to build up. I feel a pressure in my stomach and chest begin to build as Joel continues to thrust into me.

“Joel, I’m gonna… I’m gonna-”

“Me too, babe. Just wait for me.”

“Oh please, PLEASE let me come,” I beg, tears filling my eyes.

He starts speeding up even more, his thrusts become more shallow, but just as hard. “Ngh, j-just… one second…”

I bite my lip hard as I fight off my orgasm. I can’t hold back my moans anymore, they’re just a continuous string of noises with every breath.

“I’m close,” Joel says, breathing hard.

“Me too.”

Joel begins thrusting hard and deep, which is what makes me reach my peak.

My vision goes white as my entire body tenses up. A massive wave of pleasure crashes down on me, and I scream out Joel’s name.

I feel Joel bury himself inside of me, and then a throb as he comes into his condom. He moans long and low, right into my ear. “Oh, _fuck_ …”

My vision is blurry and spinning. I stare up at the ceiling, trying to ground myself as pleasure continues to course throughout my body.

Joel pulls out and takes the condom off, tying it as he rolls over onto the opposite side of the bed.

“Garbage over there,” I mumble, pointing to the trash can in the corner of the room. The aftershocks of my orgasm are beginning to fade, and the slow pounding of my heart begins to pump tiredness into my veins.

Joel briefly slides off the bed to throw it away, then comes back.

“Hey,” he says, cuddling up next to me and giving me a kiss on the cheek. “Was that good?”

I smile the brightest I have in a long time. “Yeah. That was amazing.”


	11. Remember the Roller Coasters? Haha, Good Times

The high of my orgasm is beginning to fade as I snuggle into Joel’s arms.

We’ve been laying here, cuddling, for several minutes. My head is resting against Joel’s chest, his arms are around me, keeping me close. My fingers trace his skin lazily as I begin to fall asleep.

“Hey babe, I know it’s late and that you’re sleepy, but we should clean up,” Joel says. His voice is raspier than normal, but in a soothing way.

I yawn and stretch a bit. “You’re right…”

He buries his nose in my hair and kisses the top of my head before letting go of me. “You first?”

I swing my legs off the side of the bed. “Why not together?”

Joel chuckles. “I like the way you think.”

“Go heat it up, I’m getting a glass of water.”

A benefit of having your own apartment: you can walk around naked and nobody can tell you what to do. I walk into the kitchen and pour myself a glass of water and drink it slowly.

 _What the fuck just happened?_ I think to myself. _I just slept with my best friend._

I just _slept_ with my _best friend_.

The worst part is, I don’t even know what our future plans are after this. What happens? He’s gonna fly back to the UK, leaving me all alone, and even now, not being near him makes me feel that aching loneliness more than ever before.

 _We can still do long-distance,_ I think to myself. _But is he even sure he wants to date me for real? Is this a one-time thing to him? Maybe when he’s sober he’ll regret ever meeting me._

I gulp down the rest of my water. _Guess I’ll have to wait. For now, I’ll just enjoy it._

I put my glass in the dishwasher and then go to the bathroom, where Joel is currently waiting with the water running. He sticks his hand into the streams of water and looks at me as I approach.

“How warm do you like it?” he asks.

I cling onto him as I put my hand into the water. “This is fine.”

He looks down at me and laughs softly. “I can’t move when you do this, you know.”

I pout at him before letting go. “I’m sorry…”

“No, it’s cute,” he says before stepping into the shower and holding his arms for me to walk into.

I sigh as the warm water soaks my hair and trickles down my body. I lean on Joel’s shoulder as he keeps me close, swaying slightly.

These are the moments that I won’t forget. The feelings of safety, comfort, and care I feel when I’m around Joel will remain, even when I grow old. Even if Joel and I don’t end up together. Even if he rejects me after tonight.

“Hey,” Joel says. His voice breaks slightly, and he clears his throat. “Is it okay if I stay here tonight?”

I smile absentmindedly. “Yeah, that would be nice.”

Joel lifts my chin and gives me a long, slow kiss. “I don’t think I could stand to be alone after that.”

I press a kiss to the tip of his nose. “Me neither. I’m glad you asked.”

We stand together in the water, letting it flow over the both of us as it gently rinses our bodies. His hands run over my skin soothingly, and every touch is a new hit of relief. While we may be standing together naked in the shower, neither of us try to escalate things. I’m content as things are, and it appears that he is as well.

This moment of peace gives me time to reflect on our chemistry as a couple. Whatever just happened was amazing, don’t get me wrong, but everything that occurred just before that was a connection I’ve never felt with anyone before. The way we talk to each other about anything is something I hope we never lose. We’re both able to sling shit and take shit, and we help each other when it’s our place to.

If I let him get away, I will never forgive myself.

Joel entangles his fingers in my hair and presses me closer to him, making me giggle.

“You’re going to suffocate me,” I say, muffled.

Joel releases the tension slightly and pecks me on the lips. “You’re lucky I’m not into that.”

The warm water suddenly runs out and begins dousing us with room-temperature water, which makes both of us cringe.

“Fuckin’ shitty apartment water heater,” I curse, hopping out of the shower and reaching for a towel.

“Your water heater did _not_ like that joke,” He says, promptly turns the water off and crosses his arms, trying to keep warm.

I give him the closest towel and go under the sink for my own.

“Thanks,” he mutters, drying off his hair quickly before wrapping himself in the towel. 

I walk stiffly over to the cupboard and get a towel out. “God, that was unpleasant.”

Joel sighs, teeth chattering. “That’s what we get for taking too long.”

“You’re right,” I say, patting my hair dry.

Joel moves past me and begins looking around for something on the ground.

“What are you looking for?” I ask.

“Just my boxers,” Joel says. “Ah, there they are.”

“I have a pair of oversized sweatpants. Do you want to see if they fit?” I ask, hanging my towel up and opening my closet.

“Sure,” Joel says.

“I think you can tie them as well, so you can tighten them if you need to,” I say, tossing them at him. I slip on some sleeping clothes of my own.

“Surprisingly, they fit well,” Joel says, tying the drawstrings. “I just don’t have woman hips.”

I silently admire him as he fiddles with the strings, and he looks up at me.

“You like what you see?” he asks, smirking.

I blush slightly. “One might say I do.”

He exhales. “I’m gonna go get some water. I’ll be right back.”

He leaves the room, and I collapse onto the bed. Many parts of me are aching with tiredness, and my eyes are quickly drooping shut.

“Is it okay if I turn off the lights out here?” Joel asks, peeking into the room.

I nod. “Yeah…”

A few seconds later, he flops onto the bed with me. “Come here, I’m cold.”

I crack open an eye at him and roll over into him, making him grunt.

“Sorry, I know you’re tired,” he mumbles, gently placing his hand on my waist.

“It’s okay,” I slur out. All my limbs feel like they’re getting heavier by the second.

He pulls the covers over us and spoons me, adjusting himself until he’s comfortable.

I feel him start to settle, and his breath deepens as he begins to drift into sleep.

His legs are tangled with mine, and his chest is at my back, rising and falling with his breaths.

I fall into a warm, dark, dreamless sleep, perfectly content.

* * *

I fade into consciousness, light slowly seeping into my vision. I can see through the tiny crack in the curtains that the sky is a faint shade of pink. It’s barely even sunrise hours, far too early to start waking up.

I shift slightly, and realize far too late that Joel is no longer draped over me, but is on the furthest side of the bed, turned away from me.

I don’t want to wake him up, but I miss the feeling of his breath on the back of my neck.

I quietly turn over, trying not to disturb Joel.

As I try to fall back asleep, I think about if he’s going to stick around tomorrow morning or immediately realize his mistake and leave. I feel my eyes begin to water and I angrily wipe at them.

I hear Joel begin to rustle next to me and I hold very still. He turns over, and I feel his fingers at my lower back. His hand traces down to my thigh, and he moves closer to me. I blush furiously.

“There you are,” he whispers raspily.

“What are you doing?” I scold, confused.

He says nothing, but snakes his arms around me and hugs me tightly. I smile, closing my eyes once again.

_He sought me out, and he found me._


	12. This Is the Best Worst Idea I’ve Ever Had

I rouse from my sleep groggily, and a headache settles in already. I pick up my head slightly and feel a pressure around my waist.

_ Joel is still here,  _ I remember with a jolt.

He starts shifting and yawns, and I have a mini panic attack. “Good morning.”

“Hi,” I say, trying not to let on that I’m a little bit freaked out.

“Oh, God. Bright,” he says, shading his eyes from the sun that’s shining through the curtains.

I stand up to close the curtains, but groan as I get a massive head rush.

“You alright?” he asks, getting out from underneath the covers.

I stumble over to the curtains and shut them, holding my head with one hand. “Shit... Just dizzy is all, I’ll be okay.”

Joel slowly stands up. “I’ll be in the bathroom.”

“Let me know if you need anything,” I say, rubbing my eyes.

I start my typical hangover routine and shuffle over to the coffee maker, popping my favorite coffee pod into it before starting it. I get some painkillers out of the drawer and pour myself a glass of water. While this hangover is not the worst I've had, it's certainly enough to put me off my game. The last thing I want to do is be rude to Joel while I'm grumpy.

I go over everything that happened in my head. I remember most of it pretty clearly, but some parts are a bit fuzzy. I know what the main event was, though. That much I could piece together.

I lean on the counter, frustrated. How could I be so thoughtless? As soon as a man shows interest in me, I spread my legs for him? Even if I’ve been interested in him for a while, even if we're both grown people who can make our own decisions...

I never even stopped to consider the consequences, and that’s the scariest part. My attachment to him is going to end me.

I make another cup of coffee for Joel as I toss back the painkillers and some water.

I glance around, wondering what I can do while I wait. I notice Joel’s shirt and pants next to the couch, along with my bra and shirt scattered nearby.

I gather them all together, tossing my own clothes into my laundry bag. I knock on the bathroom door softly.

“What’s up?” Joel says through the door.

I sigh gently. “I’ve got your clothes next to the door. Do you need painkillers?”

“That would be amazing, thank you,” Joel says.

“Come into the kitchen if you wanna talk. If not, I understand.”

I sigh heavily and walk back into the kitchen. I hear him mumble something as I leave, but I don't turn back to ask for him to repeat it.

_If he really has something to say, he'll say it to my face,_ I think as I gulp down my water and shift my attention to my coffee.

I hear the bathroom door open, and out walks Joel. His hair is irreversibly mussed, but he made an attempt at combing it down with water. He looks tired, but not as tired as I feel. 

He peers around, as if he's looking for something. "Uh..."

“What’s up?” I ask.

“Do you remember where my phone is charging?”

I point to the outlet closest to the balcony door. “Over there.”

His demeanor does not come off as positive. He's dragging his feet as he walks around, his movements are sloppy and apathetic, and though it's hard to tell from this distance, I think he's wiping at his nose.

My stomach sinks as my bad mood changes to empathy. _Pretend we're normal. Don't talk about it unless he does._

“I have some water and coffee for you,” I say, putting the glass and mug on the counter.

Joel turns towards me and gives me a tiny smile. “That’s so nice of you.”

I gasp slightly as I open the drawer next to me. “Oh, and painkillers as well.”

“Ah,” Joel says, picking up his bag. “Thank you.”

He sits at the island, shoulders slouched.

I sit across from him. “Are you okay?”

He looks at me with big, sad eyes. “I’m pretty miserable, to be honest. Yesterday, while it was a little bit rushed and impulsive, was one of the best days of my life. I’m sad I have to leave so soon.”

His words hit me like a rushing river, dousing me in realization. It would almost be easier if he hates me after this. I could take responsibility all by myself and not have to worry about what he thought.

But he feels how I want him to feel, which happens to complicate things. Tears spring into my eyes.

“How much longer will you be in LA, again?”

He sighs. “I need to be on a flight early tomorrow morning.”

My tears spill onto my cheeks, and I hide my face in my hands, sniffling. I can feel his hand on my arm.

“God… I don’t know why I care so much. I don’t know how this happened. I shouldn’t care this much, but I do.”

There’s a disturbance as Joel rushes over to me, gripping me in a tight hug.

“Hey, everything will be okay. You’ll be alright, I promise.”

I lean into him, crying freely. His presence and embrace comfort me, and I let him hold me for a short while.

I wipe my tears and pat his arms. “Thank you.”

Joel goes back into his seat, rubbing at his own eyes. “It’s no problem.”

“Drink your water,” I order, chuckling slightly at my own expense.

Joel nods and pops some painkillers before taking a drink of water.

He reaches his hand across the counter, making a tiny grab gesture. A small smile plays at my lips as I take it.

_He still wants to talk to me. He still cares about me._

I get a huge hit of relief as I feel his thumb brush across my knuckles.

_He doesn't want to leave._

_Then why did he leave Friday? I guess it's worth asking..._

“Do you mind telling me why you left so suddenly Friday?” I ask quietly.

Joel looks away sheepishly. “Uh… that’s a weird story…”

I lean back a bit in my seat. “We have time.”

“Okay, well… basically, I knew that I was into you, but I didn’t quite know if you were into me yet. When you asked that question, I knew for sure that you liked me. I got an urge to do something really rash, so I got a little freaked out, in a way. And so I left.”

“So it was nothing I did?” I ask.

Joel squeezes my hand reassuringly. “There’s nothing you could do to make me run away from you.”

I sigh, allowing myself to take consolation in what he just told me. “Thank God. So, I assume you were thinking about kissing me."

His face turns bright red. "Yeah, well, I guess it ended up happening anyway, so it d-doesn't really matter..."

I giggle at his adorable reaction. "You should've done it, then we could've skipped the pining and uncertainty."

"Well, then we wouldn't have made such obviously terrible decisions last night." I look at him, shocked, and he grins. "Well, not _that_ terrible. I can't say I regret it."

"Irrational decisions, maybe... but... I don't regret it either."

Joel gives me a side smile, and then takes another sip of coffee. He considers his mouthful for a long time.

“So, this isn’t just a fling, right?” he blurts out. “We’re dating?”

I blink in surprise. This is not the conversation I could’ve expected to be having, even though it was probably inevitable. “...I assume so.”

“You  _ assume  _ so?” Joel asks, raising an eyebrow. “Interesting word choice.”

I laugh out loud for the first time today. “Yes, we’re dating, Joel Berghult! It would be a crime not to be.”

Joel hides his smile behind his mug, which makes me melt.

We sit in silence for a few minutes, sipping coffee and admiring each other.

The way he looks at me, observes my lips while biting his own, and shows that he genuinely enjoys being around me makes me fall for him a little bit more every second. I've never felt more treasured, more regarded, more _sated_ than when I'm with him. I don't feel restless or nervous, even though there's a lot of uncertainty in our situation.

Joel stands up and puts his coffee mug in the dishwasher, facing away from me. He closes the dishwasher firmly and leans on the counter behind me.

“There’s a reason I came to LA,” he says.

“What’s that?” I ask, a feeling of dread settling deep into my chest.

“I’ve been looking for apartments so I can move here _as soon as possible!”_ Joel says excitedly, his tone rising in happiness.

My heart leaps in my chest and I jump out of my seat, overjoyed. I throw my arms around his neck and give him a long kiss. “You asshole, you never told me that.”

Joel laughs, giving me another kiss and putting his hands on my waist. “I got a message yesterday before we hung out that I’m good to go. Plus, it never came up in conversation.”

“If you ever need a place to stay, you can always crash here,” I offer hopefully.

Joel shrugs. “Sounds less expensive than an Airbnb.”

“Just pay for groceries, and we’ll be a-okay,” I say, cupping his face.

He presses one last kiss to my lips, light as a feather. “Seems like a plan to me.”

I let my hand drift down his face and onto his chest. “You should probably get going to your friend’s place, though.”

Joel nods, letting go of me. “You’re right.”

My heart sinks as he picks up his bag and starts putting his shoes. He’s really leaving, but he’ll be back.

_ But he’s  _ leaving, I think, my lip quivering.

“Do you want to say goodbye at the airport?” Joel asks.

I nod tearfully. “Yeah, I’d like that.”

Joel gives me a long look of admiration and sadness, and holds out his arms.

“One more time?”

I walk into his arms and lean my head on his chest, listening to his heartbeat one last time. “I’m gonna miss you.”

“I’ll miss you too. We have tomorrow morning yet, though,” Joel says, forcing enthusiasm into his voice a little bit too obviously.

“Yeah…”

He sways back and forth a couple times before letting me go with a sigh. “Thanks for everything.”

I blink slowly at him, fighting back tears. “Bye.”

He opens the door, and with a few hesitating steps, he’s gone.


	13. I’ve Opened This Can Of Worms, Now I’ll Lie In It

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It's been fun, everyone.

I sit at my desk, head buried in my hands.

 _I’ve gotta work,_ I think, trying to ignore the shudders in my chest. _Don’t think about him, don’t waste your time mourning over him. He’s not dead. Quit the bullshit._

I open up my commission list and choose the biggest one.

_I’ll get this one done and not worry about anything. Imagine what I could do with the money afterward._

I sigh deeply, wiping at my eyes. _Come on, get going._

I pick up my stylus and open Clip Art Studio.

“References,” I whisper to myself, sniffing.

I spend the rest of the day and most of the night on this commission. When my back starts aching too much, I wander around my apartment, looking for nothing in particular.

Evidence of his time spent at my place is still scattered around. The covers on my bed are still messed up, his drink glass is still sitting on the counter, and the blankets are still thrown lazily on the couch.

I realize that I’m moving at a snail’s pace.

 _Work harder. Do better,_ I think, sitting back at my desk.

The sun set probably two hours ago, but I don’t care. I’d rather be productive and tired than awake and sad.

* * *

I stretched and yawned as I finished the piece.

 _Only 1AM,_ I think to myself, saving the file and hitting the power button on the computer.

I pick up my phone. There was a text from Joel, saying that he was gonna arrive at the airport around quarter to 6AM. 

Seeing the notification was like a painful reminder that stole the breath out of my lungs, but I tried to ignore the feeling as I walked into my bedroom.

 _I’ll shower tomorrow,_ I think, falling into my covers. I set four alarms, and I put my phone on my bedside table.

I snuggle into my blankets, and for a moment, I don’t feel tormented by loneliness.

Until I start smelling him on the sheets.

All of the previous night’s memories flood back to me. His careful movements, the eye contact, his touches that were so light I thought I imagined them, the empathy in his expression when I told him something personal, his hugs that were so tight, but so genuine.

My breath is choked out by a sob, and I cover my mouth in an attempt to suffocate the sadness.

My brain craves everything we had, and I have nothing to give it. Nothing I have can fulfill my need for his presence.

I continue crying softly, tossing and turning, trying to get any amount of sleep before saying goodbye to Joel.

* * *

I step out of the car and thank the driver.

I woke up this morning wishing that I’d never slept. I felt like I got hit by a truck, and now I was trying to be awake enough to be comprehended by anyone.

I will probably not experience a more painful goodbye than this one for a long time. I know that it’ll only be a short time before he comes back permanently and I don’t have to worry about him leaving anymore, but every time I try to think of what I’m going to say to him, a barbed spike of agony goes right through my heart.

 _I guess I’ll just wing it,_ I think, brushing a tear away.

It’s far too beautiful outside right now for such a heartbreaking moment. The sky is beautiful shades of peach, gold, and light blue. The sun is peeking over the horizon, and an odd sense of peace settles over me at the sight.

I go to the entrance of the airport and sit at a nearby bench.

Me 5:43AM

  * i’m here



Joel 5:43AM

  * i’m just pulling up



I purse my lips.

 _It really happened like this,_ I think. _He arrived as my best friend, and now we’re dating._

About a minute later, I watch Joel walk through the doors with two luggages. He scans the area and sees me sitting nearby.

He gives me a sad, lipped smile, and I nearly break at the sight of him.

He runs up to me, I stand up and run towards him.

I throw my arms around his neck, and he lifts me off the ground. I squeal quietly and giggle through the tears, making him laugh as well.

“I’m so glad that you came to say goodbye,” Joel says, his voice cracking slightly. 

I peck him on the lips. “Yeah, it’s because I appreciate you. So much.”

He grasps my upper arms gently and touches his forehead to my own. “I appreciate you too. Thank you… _so much_.”

A tear falls down my cheek, and I try to subtly wipe it away. “S-sorry… I’m just- I’m gonna miss you.”

He plants a kiss on my forehead. “I’ve probably told you this a thousand times, but the time we spent together was amazing. You’re amazing.”

I hear him sniffle, which makes me cry harder. “Don’t you cry too…”

“I’m sorry,” he says genuinely, wiping his nose.

I smile gently. “Don’t be.”

Joel pulls back to get a good look at me, and uses his thumbs to wipe away my tears. I do the same for him, and he chuckles wetly.

“You’re so sweet.”

A small silence occurs, causing us to break eye contact.

I clear my throat and wipe at my eyes again. “I should let you go…”

Joel nods slowly and lets go of me. “I gave myself a long time to say goodbye for a reason.”

I clutch at my own hands nervously. “When is it scheduled to take off?”

“6:30. But I’d rather not be cutting it close, unfortunately,” he says regretfully.

“Understandable.”

Joel picks up his luggage once more. “You know, I’ll be back soon. And when I’m back, we’ll be together again, and then everything will be okay.”

I try to smile at him, but I imagine it looks more like a grimace. “Yeah.”

He turns and begins walking away, and I head for the exit as well.

I gather all of my courage and look over my shoulder at him. “Hey!”

He stops. “Yeah?”

“I love you.”

Gears seem to turn in Joel’s head. His silence is killing me, but he comes to a conclusion.

“I love you too.”


End file.
